The Way We Live Now: Standing up for our right to enthusiastic baristas. When all the employees leave your neighborhood coffee shop you're like, whoa, what should I do, just go work at the strip club, instead? Times demand it.

All the workers at Gorilla Coffee in Park Slope quit like a week ago cause they hated their boss. This was covered by the New York Times because, shit, can you imagine how many NYT employees get coffee there like every day? Probably a shitload. Now the store is back open and that's another article cause, you know, trends, coffee, jobs, blah blah. What we can learn is if you're going to quit your job en masse, be sure to do it at a place where some fancy media types go all the time, and you can be like, write me up dude, and they will, out of class guilt. (Shout out to Cafe Grumpy!)

Look, we all must take what we can get in these tough times, whether that means sympathy from wayward reporters who also like the idea of not having to leave the coffee shop they are already in in order to do a story, or whether it means working security at strip clubs to support our family, for nine months, while we call in sick to our regular job, which is being a sheriff.

Yes, we must find work where we can. Whether pulling espressos or pulling city-issued revolvers out when drunk patrons try to touch a dancer's naked body, we can't all be blessed with jobs as stable as the members of the panel now considering the federal debt. You need two jobs, but you can only keep one. Want to be a bodyguard? You'll get fired from your day job. And then as you try to build up your bodyguard practice you find yourself thwarted time and again with the dismissive retort, "I'm not a sucka so I don't need a bodyguard." And suckas with money, these days, are in short supply.