If there is one thing tabloid sex fiend columnist Andrea Peyser hates, it is everything good in the human soul. Andrea's gripe today: someone was shown mercy. This is unfair to the bloodthirsty, such as Andrea Peyser!

Wretched celebukid dope fiend Cameron Douglas was sentenced to five years in prison for being a wretched dope fiend who deals meth. This outraged Andrea, because "Were this man's name Smith, Jones or Rodriguez," then he would have gotten ten years locked in one of our society's many dungeons "in the company of large and hairy individuals you wouldn't want to meet in the shower."

And—now this is Andrea's point—all these wretched dope fiends deserve the full decade in hell, being raped in the shower. It's not that only celebrities can get a fair semblance of justice in our punishment-crazed, incarceration-hungry courts. It's that even celebrities should get an insanely long sentence, for drug crimes. And be raped in the shower. That is the only way a man can be broken enough to become Andrea Peyser's pen pal.