On last night's episode of the worst television show ever made, there was much confrontation. Between moms and monsters, between bathing beauties and scathing snooties (sorry).
Paul Johnson Calderon
Scritch-scritch-scritch went our little cricket, and it was his lovemaking sound. If you'll recall, last week he was having some issues with Penelope Kensington, a demure little model boy that he's been courting. They'd gotten in a drunken row and Penelope had wept and said "Don't parade me around just because I am a beautiful model!" and then she'd chirped a few times and disappeared into the night. Well PJC was determined to make sure that wasn't going to happen again. So he decided to be nice to the model and actually treat him like a human man, not just delicious arm candy. It worked smashingly and Penelope giggled and clapped his little gloved hands and the two kissed on a veranda. "You're such a good kisser," PJC murmured and then it cut to an interview segment where he said that he's really falling for Penelope and that he is the first guy in a long time to whom he's made himself vulnerable. This show is nothing if not totally romantic. I really believe that this is a real, serious relationship.
Oh lawd. This episode was all about Devorah. First Tinsley's mom called and was all "Hey, let's hang out" and of course Devorah was eager to do so, so she ran off to a hotel or something to meet Ma Tinsley for a drink. But when she got there it was a total ambush! Dale was hootin' and hollerin' on about Page Six this and Page Seven that and who said what where and how and why. So Dev just sat there blinking and then slowly got up and walked away and crazy Dale chased her out into the street, so Dev got in a taxi, but Dale got in another taxi and followed her, so then Dev got in a propeller plane but Dale got in another propeller plane and chased after her, so then Dev got in a hot air balloon but Dale got in a hot air balloon and soared slowly after her, so then Dev got on a dogsled but then Dale did too and at this point they were halfway across the world and showing no signs of stopping and the last we saw of either of them they were manipulating dual railway hand cars on a railroad tracks in Siberia, Dale in furious pursuit, Devorah's eyes fixed on the rising sun.
Well, OK, we saw Devorah after that. She also had a bikini party for bikinis, starring bikinis. See there's a lady who was bored one day while her husband was at work and just cut up some tablecloths and then wrote the word 'bikini' on the scraps and thus they were bikinis. So she was having a pool party fashion show at the Grace Hotel (ick) and has asked Devorah to become "the face" of the brand. They kept saying that, "the face" of Noonoo's Bikini Concern (or whatever the company was called). How do you become "the face" of a nonexistent company? This show is full of metaphysical mysteries. Anyway, the party was going swimmingly (HA HA!) until there was the sound of glass shattering and a cat screeching and an air raid siren and Jules Kirby arrived with some horrid friend and Dev was like "I can't believe she's here, I hate her" and then instantly walked over and started talking to her. They grunted and hissed at each other for a while, trading insults about who knows who in St. Barth's and who is the face of what pretend company. It went on for a while until Jules stormed out. But Devorah was not done with her, so she went out into the main lounge/bar area, wearing only her bikini (from Nerdlinger's Two-Piece Unlimited) and threw a drink in Jules' face. Then she threw the actual glass at her. These are some classy broads, I tell ya!
Well, clearly there was the thing that happened above. JK kept calling Devorah Rose a man and a weirdo and a nobody. Heh, a nobody. Someone on this show calling another person on this show a "nobody" is like Josef Goebbels showing up to a Teabagging rally and calling Obama a Nazi. Jules Kirby would be Goebbels and Devorah would be... the confused woman with the short permed hair and big thick glasses weakly holding a sign that says "I Disagree With Socilism" that she made on the bus on the way here after the news told her to. A pretty picture.
After that whole drink incident Jules and her horrible friend were drinkin' cocktails and Dabney Mercer, younger rabbity sister of Tinsley Mortimer, joined them. Conversation immediately turned to Jules' eviction from her hotel house, which Jules just doesn't understand. She had been perfectly saintly and lovely. If you are at a fancy hotel and you throw the phone across the room and repeatedly call the staff assholes, it is because that is the sophisticated hotel tradition. Jules did everything short of rape the bellhop, which she didn't do because it's not like she's a foreign dignitary or something. She's rich, but not that rich. So then the only reason that she got thrown out was because someone was fighting with a boy outside the hotel and someone complained and the blame landed on Jules' beautiful, ham hock shoulders. But she blames Dabney. She claims Dabney was the one fighting outside, which really pisses off Dabney. So she stormed off and yelled at the producers (which they showed, because they seriously just don't have any other good material, ever) while Jules sat swaying at the table and her friend was narrating Dabney's fury, saying in a dry, sarcastic voice "She's mad. She's crying. She's going to cry. No one can understand her. She's mad. She's crying." Finally Jules threw a drink in the friend's face and the friend sat there with booze dripping down her cheeks, and said in monotone "I'm mad. I'm crying. I'm going to cry..."
Dale went to go talk to Devorah Rose because Tinsley has been getting a bad bout of it in the PRESS and MEDIA these days, partly because Devorah has been giving stupid quotes to New York Magazine. So Dale went to fight her 35-year-old daughter's battles for her and met Devorah at the bar. And oh boy did Dale keep yammering on about how she can tell that Devorah is "common" and all this nonsense about Devorah not being part of "the club" and how she's never going to be part of "the club" because of her behavior. And it's like, what club? The We're On A Shitty Reality Show And Everyone In Actual New York Society Is Ashamed Of Us And Hates Us club? The Podunk Backwoods Possums Who Married Rich And Put On Airs club? What club are you talking about, you withered old worm? God. "Common." Hahahhahah. "That girl is awfully common," she says while being filmed for her CW reality show. The perceived social hierarchy on this show is hysterical/awful. Nobody on the show seems to realize that they are actually all positioned on the lowest possible rung of the social ladder. If Margie the dumpy girl from school who wears sweatpants with dress shoes and turtlenecks and wheezes all the time and eats far too much egg salad and is often heard quietly singing old Hanson songs to herself showed up to the same party as Devorah and Dale and the rest of them? Old Margie would be greeted kindly in comparison. "Marjorie!!!" an Astor would say, walking right by the High Society cast. "What an interesting sweatshirt. Is that a soup stain? Very Parisienne."
Dale also went to meet with a dating consultant who runs a very exclusive escort service for old ladies. Dale was nervous, but she really wants a man. "I have everything I need in my life," she said, referring to her riches and her whip-smart daughters who are doing such interesting things. "The only thing I'm missing... is a big old thing up my cooter." Ha, I wish she'd said that! I would have liked her. No, she said loovvvve. Oh love. If Dale had lived her life for love she wouldn't be sitting in some fancy New York City building wearing Talbot's Premiere Collection. No, she'd be shacked up with Randy Devereaux down in Houma, smoking her extra long Chesterfields, drinking warm Millers, and she'd be a great-grandmother by now, many times over. Would run fan boat tours for wayward tourists once in a while. But no, she married for money, so here she is. Doing this. Part of this club. Ah well.
After speaking with Paula Froelich about gossip and how it works, Tinsley went home and wrote in her diary.
Today I met Paula FroYo and she told me about when people say mean things about me. She says that I should just laugh it off, so I went home and practiced in the mirror. Ha Ha Ha. Ha Ha Ha. And I would toss my hair around a little bit when I did it. Ha Ha Ha. You don't bother me, gossipings! Ha Ha Ha. I am laughing you off, gossipings. Like that. But it didn't really work the way I wanted it to because when I was done I still felt pretty sad, like my heart was tired.
Momma says that when I get like that I should just think about all the nice things I have, like my dresses and toys and the nice ching-chong people that live in the basement that Momma says "Ssshhhh, don't tell anyone about them! They are a secret!" But I can tell you about them, dear diary. Because you are my friend. Sometimes when Momma says to Count My Glads, you are the biggest glad I have! The second biggest glad is Yung Li, my basement friend. I just wish she would stop crying all the time.
Ha Ha Ha. You don't scare me, gossipings! See, I tried it again. But I don't feel that much better. Oh diary. I don't know why people say mean things about me when I am always so nice! I wave to the birds and laugh at the funny clowns who ask for money on the street and smell like underpants, and sometimes I talk to the bushes but Momma said not to do that anymore. I am nice to everyone! But there are all these gossipings about me anyway. Momma says people are just jealous, because I am pretty and have a big bedroom with my very own canofpee bed and on my birthday Papa comes to visit and takes me to eat ice creams and he pats my head and says "You're my little girl, Tinsley" in his Papa voice. That is why there are gossipings, because everyone wants Papa to take them for ice creams, because it is the best thing in the whole wide world. The whole whole whole wide wide wide world.
Ha Ha Ha. I will keep trying. Ha Ha Ha.