Celebrity profiler Kitty Kelley's unauthorized Oprah biography was released today. But who has time to sit down and read a 544-page book? We spent the afternoon going through the exhaustive tell-all to bring you the juiciest bits.

Much has been made in recent days about the claims contained in Kelley's book, tawdry bits she says were assembled thanks to the more than 800 interviews she conducted with relatives, friends, and former colleagues. (Not surprisingly, Winfrey declined to participate in the project.) Is it all true? Who knows! But there are plenty of amusing anecdotes, a handful of which are below.

Everyone knows that Oprah flies private. (She supposedly dropped $47 million on her jet.) But did you know she spent more than a million redecorating her fuel fume-free jet hangar, too? Oprah keeps Nate Berkus busy, clearly:

When it comes to keeping up appearances, it isn't just her jet she worries about:

Every author wants to be picked for the Oprah Book Club, sure. But just gracing Oprah's stage isn't enough. It's all about her bosom, apparently:

If you attend a taping of Oprah's show before it concludes its run, remember this: Do as Oprah does. When she laughs, you laugh. When she cries, you cry. And when Oprah tells you to clap, you fucking clap, goddammit. No exceptions!

Kelley says that Oprah is so paranoid about her public image that she requires everyone she comes into contact with to sign away their lives:

The first rule of Harpo? You do not talk about Harpo:

Just getting the foot in the door at Harpo is a process. After several disgruntled employees took her to court, Oprah reportedly started vetting potential staff so closely that she may now have more intel on them than the CIA has on Osama bin Laden:

This veil of secrecy doesn't just apply to Oprah's media company. Did you know Oprah and her boyfriend Steadman Graham taught a course at Northwestern in 1999? They did. (The couple lectured on the "dynamics of leadership.") But your typical college class it wasn't:

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