No one buys music anymore. So what to do if you're a pop band trying to make it big? It's simple — whore yourself out to any company that will give you cash. And start flash mobs for Oprah.

If you want to collaborate with huckster musician, you need to get on board with the program and be one of "today's people," or TP, as he says. TPs are flush with cash and understand the importance of being down with someone as innovative as It's no fun being "yesterday's people" (YP) — boring, poor, and technologically challenged. These days it's all about branding, and The Wall Street Journal gives the Black Eyed Peas a nice blowjob on the way to explaining the secrets of their commercial success. Says

I consider us a brand. A brand always has stylized decks, from colors to fonts. Here's our demographic. Here's the reach. Here's the potential. Here's how the consumer will benefit from the collaboration."

See! You, the fan consumer, can benefit from helping and Fergie buy tacky clothes and look like total assholes wherever they go. How you benefit from this, we're not quite sure yet. But anyway, back to business. How do you go about getting companies like Blackberry, Apple, and Google behind your brand? Besides injecting their names into your songs and giving them shout-outs on stage, you get ready for some wilding and you go straight to Oprah.

Within the last year, the Peas' TV performances have included an NFL season-kickoff show, New Year's Eve in Times Square, the Grammys (they've won six), a Victoria's Secret fashion show and the season opener for The Oprah Winfrey Show, for which they summoned a flash mob of synchronized dancers to downtown Chicago."

Everybody loves a good flash mob. The Peas are kissing James Cameron's ass, too, by peddling 3-D Samsung television sets on tour so you can become electronics-poor and watch Avatar at home. Says "He's a tomorrow person, too. He's part of the TP crew." FYI Will... that acronym sucks. The Journal couldn't reach Cameron for comment. is trying to keep it simple for 2010 and beyond: "Here's our verbiage: 'Futuristic. Electronic. Mega.'" Impressive! How about some adjectives? Obnoxious. Gross. Terrible.

[Image via Getty]