And have we reached a consensus on which is worse, yet? Tiger Woods' mistress talks tampons, Bode Miller gets dirty at a Playboy party, Heidi Montag schools Lindsay Lohan. Here's your Wednesday gossip.

  • A tabloid ecosystem of hating on Jesse James paused and scratched its head last night at the revelation that the cheating husband of Sandra Bullock has checked into rehab. Do we have to be nice to him if he's an addict? En route to Sierra Tucscon—an Arizona facility that does sex, alcohol, and drug rehab among other things—Jesse was reportedly stopped by a CHP officer for driving without a front license plate. "James told the officer he was going to Arizona to try to save his marriage to Sandra Bullock." But Sandy's America's sweetheart, the CHP officer exclaimed. Godspeed, and if you need a good STD clinic, let me know. [TMZ, People]
  • But is Jesse's rehab a publicity ploy—and if so, what for? His breaking point coincides with the release of costumed Nazi pictures. Whereas rehab can cure you of being a stripper-banging sex addict or a sloppy drunk, the only rehab for neo-Nazism is the lead role in American History X [fig.1] or being Prince Harry [fig.2]. Jesse is neither actor nor royalty, so he's screwed. [Gawker]
  • Meanwhile, "Sandra feels like she failed" and blames Jesse's straying on her busy professional life, Jesse's biker friends are having a ride of solidarity to "show a little positive support" (What will they call it? The Jesse James Isn't As Big a Dirt Bag As You Think Ride?) and Sandy reportedly does not intend to adopt Jesse's kids. [NBN, NYDN, NYDN]
  • Aaand here's a video of Jesse James Mistress #3 copping to being a professional dominatrix. Basically, these sex scandals are just an excuse to watch and talk about porn. [Radar]
  • Vanity Fair has a new Tiger Woods feature. All you need to know is this: "Reporters from The National Enquirer, who had been following [Perkins waitress Mindy Lawton], picked up the tampon she had dropped in the parking lot, and later threatened to use it as part of a story." Looks like we've got a new competitor for the Worst Journalism Job in America. [VF]
  • Bode Miller went to a Playboy Mansion lingerie party "dressed in baby blue pajamas with a flap he opened to reveal his backside to giggling girls." Ew, people do that? He went after Survivor contestant Corinne Kaplan. Ashley Dupre was there too. This party's cast is one Alan Greenspan away from a Freudian nightmare. [P6]
  • Country singer Mindy McCready is taking legal action to block Vivid Entertainment from releasing a sex tape of her, possibly with Roger Clemens. If you are unfamiliar with Mindy's oeuvre, here's a good entrypoint: "Every day you walk right by me, don't know I'm there at all... Maybe he'll notice her now." [TMZ, YouTube]
  • Matt Damon is so humble—or hard-working, or oblivious—that he attempted to perform an entire play to an empty theater, when his castmates played a practical joke on him and raised the curtain to nothingness. "He thought we were doing a private viewing for the Queen," said practical joker and then-co-star Casey Affleck. Someone's been watching too much Shakespeare in Love. [P6]
  • Kelis skipped the chec at a hair salon after getting a weave, and now she owes a court-ordered $5000. Fake hair fines, like library late fees, build up. [P6]
  • "At this point, Heidi Montag is likely to make more movies than Lindsay Lohan," said a Hollywood casting director. And I'd say low blow but Heidi's idea for a 3-D titty movie co-starring Dolly Parton was slightly ingenious, so cinema might be her calling. LiLo's calling, on the other hand, is spending startling quantities of money while lounging on the deck of a rich man's yacht in desperate, broken-winged beauty. [NBN second item]
  • Donatella Versace bought $5000 worth of sunglasses in ten minutes. I would expect no less. [P6]

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