All of these people really need to come out because it is so painfully obvious to the world that they are gay that when and if they finally announce it, we're probably going to be laughing at them. (See Sean Hayes for another recent example of this.) Coming out should be an occasion for joy, not for a bunch of people snickering about how they saw it coming for years. It's already too late for many of these people, but how about standing up and being counted now and not making it worse by waiting?
Obviously our pet cause is outing CNN anchor Anderson Cooper.
The Good: Showing the world that even though a journalist is gay, he can still report on issues in a fair and balanced way. Also, that sissies can stand up in a hurricane and not get blown away.
The Bad: Interviewing homophobes might prove dicey, but how often does he do that anyway?
Odds It Will Happen: Mark our words, it will happen before this fall.
It is time to finally stop hiding, Kevin Spacey.
The Good: If he comes out, he can have a public boyfriend and won't get mugged when he's cruising in the park in the middle of the night anymore. Also, he could use the career bump of courting the gay audience.
The Bad: Since his marquee name days seem a bit behind him, the worst part will be the embarrassment of not doing it sooner.
Odds It Will Happen: Fairly good.
Yes, that is really Queen Latifah talking about the NFL. No, she's not butch at all.
The Good: She can stop calling her girlfriend a "trainer" or "assistant," or whatever cover story she's using now. Also a "black lesbian" cabaret show with Wanda Sykes would do crazy business.
The Bad: No more romantic leads with men, but that's not really her stock in trade anyway.
Odds It Will Happen: Decent.
See, Chace Crawford, that's Elton John pointing you toward the closet door.
The Good: He can finally run around Manhattan collecting as much twink tail as he wants without worrying about being outed. Just look at how that's worked out for Lance Bass.
The Bad: Well, he probably won't have much a career after Gossip Girl anyway, so what's the big deal?
Odds It Will Happen: Not until his career has hit Chad Allen lows.
Come on, Zachary Quinto, we need a gay action hero!
The Good: As Spock in Star Trek, he plays one of the world's most popular straight characters in a huge movie franchise. That is some Neil Patrick Harris territory right there, and look at how popular he is these days. This would show that gay actors can still get great parts in big Hollywood movies.
The Bad: It might be hard to do romantic comedies with a woman, but as long as he keeps putting on the pointy ears, he'll be golden for the next decade.
Odds It Will Happen: We have a feeling his handlers won't let it happen for awhile.
Who does Michelle Rodriguez think she's fooling?
The Good: She's made a career playing tough female characters. This will only make it easier for her to get those roles. Also, she'll get major endorsement deals from all the lesbian-baiting brands.
The Bad: It will make her niche hard to break out of, but after starring in Avatar, she's hotter than ever.
Odds It Will Happen: It's inevitable.
We got the sirens ready for when Matt Drudge drops the big news.
The Good: The tireless conservative blogger might finally get himself an active social life and maybe someone to join him in his fortress of solitude.
The Bad: His conservative base might be turned off, but with all the traffic and attention he gets, he's not going to go out of business.
Odds It Will Happen: Unlikely.
Ex New York City mayor Ed Koch is so gay he has been on Sex and the City.
The Good: Now that his political career is over, this could only help him personally, but it would be nice to get rid of that burden before he kicks the bucket.
The Bad: All the gay activists who survived the AIDS crisis will come after him for not doing more to stop the spread of the disease in the infancy of the crisis.
Odds It Will Happen: Look for a death-bed conversion.
Media baron Barry Diller is perhaps the most famous gay married person in the world.
The Good: Not having to hide his boyfriends might end up helping him in business.
The Bad: He might be have to divorce Diane von Furstenberg if he were to come out, and no one would like him if he made her sad.
Odds It Will Happen: Don't count on it.
Can you believe that Richard Simmons is still closeted?
The Good: He can come out on David Letterman's show, and all those hot pants and headbands will finally make sense.
The Bad: We have a feeling that the ladies who deal their meals won't mind, but you never know.
Odds It Will Happen: Never!