Project Runway: All That's Fit and Print
Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to have contestants design textiles. The delusion they'll do it well. The vision to encourage the judges to be bitchy. The delusion they'll send the right person home.
Last night's episode of Project Runway was clearly broadcast from Bizarro World, which Heidi pronounces Biz-R-O, because everything was backwards and clearly fucked up. There was more than a little bit of kryptonite in the designers cornflakes because they were making all sorts of mistakes and getting rewarded for them. The challenge was to have everyone use some crazy touch screen computer contraption like they were law enforcement agents in Minority Report. They had to design some print and then use it in a costume for a future Tom Cruise movie. Surprisingly the product placement challenge was not one of the:
Things We Hated:
- What's in a Name: If that name is Emilio Sosa, it is a whole lot of dreckitude (thanks for that word, André Leon Talley). His print—an amalgamation of his name—was just hideous. It looked like something a third grader scrawled in puffy paint on a sweatshirt for his mother and she feels obligated to wear it in public. It was all shaky and scratchy and nasty, like Betty Davis voice after seven packs of Luckys. Emilio is a great designer, but there's always something about what he does that bugs us. Is it his attitude or is he just not as great as we think? Also, if we have to hear about his viscera again, we're definitely going to eviscerate him. His spilled bowels will probably make a more interesting print.
- S.A. Phones Home: Starting the trip to Biz-R-O World, Seth Aaron got a call from home. That always spells certain death for a designer. When we saw his "British take on pop-punk" (um, isn't most pop-punk British?) we thought for sure he was going to get canned. But no, he was in the top. Yes, he can construct a great garment quickly, but please, please, please don't let the second coming of Jeffrey Sebelia and his Gwen Stefani ripoffs take the top prize!
- T.G. in da House: When Grampa Gunn was walking away from Mila, she actually said. "Thanks, T.G." What the camera didn't show is that he immediately turned around, took a handful of Werther's Originals out of his suit pocked and flung them at Mila with such a force that it knocked even thoughts of color blocking out of her head. Mila, what planet do you live on where it is OK to call a wise old man by his silly initials like you are both gansta rapper or something?
- The College Try: When Mila's model is trying to saunter in her horrible outfit, someone says "Brandise can't walk." Well of course she can't walk, she is named after a fucking university. Yale can't amble. Sarah Lawrence can't saunter. And Notre Dame can't drunkenly stumble into a church pew. What is wrong with you, America? Where do you get these asinine reality television show names? U.S. News and World Report, apparently.
- Never Break the Chain: Did you see the giant thing that was around Heidi's neck at judging? It looked like a massive bike chain. Is she afraid that someone is going to try to rip off her seat like people do to bikes on the street in the city? That motherfucker was so big, we thought she was going to topple over in her director's chair and miscarry right there next to the runway.
- Cruelty: Yes, we love it more than anyone when Ms. Michael Kors, the Queen of the Tangerines, and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Claire's Accessories are mean, but last night they were positively cruel! They mocked and laughed at Jonathan's garment with the dismissive scorn of a squad of mean girls. Catty, Catty, Catty. Oh, don't worry, the video is below. We might have hated it, but we'll watch it again and again.
Things we Loved:
- HP to be Square: This whole "design a textile" challenge was a way to work HP products—one of this season's sponsors—into the challenge. In the past two weeks, when we had the Glory Hole Paris and Garn-Yay challenges, the way they worked the products into the usual narrative of the show was clunky and odd. This week, it was completely seamless. The producers made the products work for the show rather than making the show work for the product. It showed off HP like it was supposed to, but it was one of the more creative and interesting challenges this year and, dare we say it, the best product placement in a show that is so overloaded with endorsements that the contestants are told to poop in the Charmin toilet then go to the Kleenex and Paxil Confessional.
- The Kors of the Matter: Ms. Kors may be a shitty designer who sells all her clothes at Marshalls, but this show would not be the same without her. A "disco straight jacket." A "Mexican serape gay flag." Who else is going to come up with this shit and do it in a way that makes him look like an ostrich who is going to pluck the eyes out of a fly?
- Get Up, Stand Up: Usually when designers are harangued for their creations they just sit there and take it or they try to explain the mess away to escape getting dismissed. Normally soft-spoken Jonathan was mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. When the judges were cruel to him, he got right back there and said he thought his look was great, even though they didn't. Yes, Jonathan, your crazy jacket was a little Celine Dion backward tux for our taste, but you were right to come to your own defense. It was Biz-R-O world after all, and sometimes there cackling clowns have no clue what they're talking about.
- The Fall of Mayan Civilization: Is the shock alluded to in the perview for the next episode coming at the expense of Maya, the only designer left who didn't show at fashion week back in February? Does she cheat? Does she get disqualified? Oh, we haven't been this excited for the next episode in years. Good job, Runway.
- Oh, Suzanne, Don't You Cry For Me: Suzanne Sugarbaker, who mere mortals call Anthony, is a class act. Not only did he entertain with his antics (videos below) but he cut us up by calling Jay a "gay Christmas ornament," by finding a way to make the words "pale" and "hell" rhyme, and by being a total class act on the way out. "Just because you don't have the crown, doesn't mean you're not the queen," he said, cleaning up his work space with his head held high. We weren't Anthony's biggest fan when he started, but we came to love both him and his designs and he will be missed. Except he'll be back next Thursday at 9 p.m. on the Gawker live blog! Yay!
So, in the end, Anthony, wrongly went home. Now we have to get to the real Biz-R-O part of the evening. The only dress in the top that we didn't hate was Maya's rouchey red number that looked like lava flowing out of a volcano. We already discussed Emilio's puffy paint disaster, and Seth Aaron's jacket had a print so loud and out of date it looked like Lichtenstein fucked Twiggy so hard that she vomited.
Also, Mila's paint by number immovable column wasn't the evening's worst? Sorry, but her piece of shit was way worse than either Anthony or Jonathan's, and they ended up in the bottom two. Yes, Suzanne's was a bit bland and like other things we have seen from her, but it was visually interesting, fit well, and was wearable. Mila's on the other hand, was like the piece of paper that you dry your brush off in art class wrapped around a model. The judges decisions made no sense at all.
We can all ask Ms. Sugarbaker about it next Thursday, April 1, at 9pm when he joins the Gawker Project Runway live blog. Did we mention that already?
For more about Anthony's take on the evil of Beyoncé, the designers orgasming over their fabric, and the blasphemy of ignoring T.G., let's away to the videos.
Suzanne Sugarbaker Goes to Town
Context: Anthony over shares about hating Beyoncé, going on Oprah, and his uncle Leroy's porn addiction. He is the most entertaining thing on this show since Christian Siriano.
Vision: Being great television will keep you on this show.
Delusion: This week Queen Tangerine had bronzer in her eye, NGFDMCM had a hard on for Mila, and Heidi was cutting off all the circulation to her brain with a giant necklace, and they had no clue what they were looking at.
What Would Nina Say?: "I am Bizarro!"
Dramometer: 0, but Hilarity is a 10
Context: Everyone oohs and aahs when their original prints come back from whatever Chinese factory HP made them in.
Vision: Beautiful fabric makes beautiful clothes.
Delusion: Sorry, no fabric can save a shitty design, and some of that fabric isn't all that great.
What Would Nina Say?: "Bizarro Kill!"
Under the Gunn
Context: Grampa Gunn does not get Emilio's print. Neither do we, because it is ugly. Emilio doesn't get Tim. Tim doesn't get that Emilio is upset with him. There is no peace, love, or understanding in this clip.
Vision: Emilio ignores Tim! If there is one thing that we know about Project Runway it is if you ignore Time you will go home. Period. It happens every time.
Delusion: In Biz-R-O world nothing makes sense. Emilio ignores Tim and is rewarded for it because the judges are either blind or insane and think this Stephen Sprouse knockoff is the real deal. The world does not make sense if what Tim Gunn says is misguided.
What Would Nina Say?: "Bizarro love!"
Context: Emilio watches his garmet clod down the runway to the win.
Vision: We just think this is nasty.
Delusion: Is there something wrong with us?
What Would Nina Say?: "Bizarro Want!"
Context: Queen Tangerine and NGFDMCM go off on Jonathan's outfit and he stands up for himself. Words like "disco straightjacket" and "dirty tablecloth" are used. NGFDMCM claims to feel "sad."
Vision: Getting the judges to be mean is great television. It's true.
Delusion: But it can venture off into cruelty.
What Would Nina Say?: "Bizarro say see for yourself!"