Lady Gaga's Telephone music video, which premieres tonight, shows the Lady of Gah tackling her penis rumor with burly prison lesbians who rip her clothes off and mutter, "I told you she didn't have a dick."

As Lady Gaga attempts to dispel one rumor (hermaphrodite) with another (lesbian with Beyonce) our quest for pop culture's Loch Ness Monster continues.

Ambling into a recklessly stylish, diamond-studded women's prison (perhaps the one from Chicago, where stiletto heels are not security hazards) Gaga is flanked by a pair of butch prison guards, one of whom later surfs some kind of lesbian Manhunt knockoff called (-4:50). They rip off her clothes and we are treated to a booty shot (-8:30) and the guards murmur, "I told you she didn't have a dick," and "Too bad." Indeed, later thong-clad gyrations boggle the mind. Where is she hiding her penis?

A deus ex machina of the phallus comes in the form of Beyonce, who bails Gaga out of prison in a pick-up truck labeled PUSSYWAGON. As Thelma and Louise of the dykes, they go Natural Born Killers (and Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill) on a diner. Here, we get a subliminal message explaining where the penis has gone. At -2:30, the camera zooms in on Beyonce's jerk boyfriend painstakingly slicing a big, greasy sausage. Suddenly everyone is choking on their food and dying, and B and Gaga run off together in happy, sexy bliss—for Lady Gaga has chopped off her penis.

That's right, Lady Gaga's penis is gone, sliced from her body to improve her ability to make puns about pussy with Beyonce. But you know what they say: Every time you cut off a hermaphrodite's penis, two grow in its place. The penis will be back, mark our words.