A-Rod Takes His Magical Centaur Legs for Granted (Or: "Cunts Are Still Running The World")
A-Rod "crashed" his ride. Simon Cowell: engaged. Barry Bonds: divorced. Jim Carrey: grandfather. Where Tiger Woods loses $100M, I see opportunity. The world changes and turns. Let this final weekend shit begin. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:
- You'd think, being a magical centaur and all, A-Rod wouldn't be using his Maybach so much to get around. Because he's a magical centaur, with magical centaur third baseman legs, which can carry him to magical places. Like Kate Hudson's vagina. And Yankee Stadium. Instead, he "crashed" his Maybach Benz when arriving to Spring Training yesterday, according to a New York Post headline. Look what qualifies as a "crash" to Page Six:
"A-Rod was involved in what's described as a 'minor fender bender.'"
- Right. Anyway! A Maybach is a pretty dope car, but A-Rod's got lots of money so he really probably doesn't care either way. More importantly, though: Not a good sign for the Yankees. Godzilla and Caveman are gone, other teams bought them out on single year contracts. A-Rod has retracted his magical centaur legs and is now "crashing" Maybachs into other people's cars. This is already an ugly season. Just sayin'. [Page Six]
- Simon Cowell is engaged to his live-in girlfriend. Somewhere you know Randy's like, DAWG. DAWG. YOU GONNA GET TIED UP WITH THAT SHIT DAWG? JUST SAYIN'. Whatever, you know the chick who decided to be Simon Cowell's live-in girlfriend is ten times the raging cunt he is. Yeah, I just used the word cunt. What of it? I meant it in the English way. Cunts. Also, I'm sitting in this coffee shop, and this mom is wearing this baby on her chest in one of those pouch things, and it looked like she was biting the baby's ear, and I was gonna be like, HEY STOP BITING THAT BABY'S EAR! But then I realized that she was just kissing her kid on the cheek, and I was like, oh, shit, I need a new prescription in my glasses. I've got this mean Mr. Magoo squint going on right now. It's pretty ugly. Cunts. [NYDN]
- Harry Potter is a magical person. So is Daniel Radcliffe. He filmed a very nice PSA for a very good cause. For those of you waiting for the other shoe to drop with the Harry Potter kids, it just isn't going to happen. Sorry. They will not become sketchy drug addicts. They won't become vagina-flashing drunks. They're just good, magical people. Except for Ron. He might be fucked. [NYDN]
- Todd English has a thing for Asian chicks. Asian chicks who beat him. This one has yet to kick his ass, but if you've ever been to his new place in the Meatpacking District, Juliette, you'd want to kick his ass, too. For sucking. I mean, the couscous was good, but someone I was with described it as "a place vampires probably go to rape teenage girls." So there's that. Anyway, she probably will (beat his ass. Not rape him and suck his blood. Though he does have a thing for goldddiggers. JUST SAYING). [Page Six]
- Lily Allen called Courtney Love a batshit paranoid something-or-other on Twitter. I mean, really, do you think I ever read these things past the headline? You're wrong. Yeah, so Lily Allen called Courtney Love something crazy and really, of course, we defer to Lily Allen on this, but also, takes a crazy to taste a crazy, or something. [NYDN]
- Hayden Panettiere and her new rack are supposedly meeting up with old flame Harry Morton, who's a young guy with a fuckton of money that once belonged to his parents. This entitles him to date all the "hot ass" he wants. This is how the world works. [Page Six]
- Gatorade supposedly nixed a $100M deal with Tiger Woods a week after his apology. So they need a new spokesperson. And fuck, could I use a Gatorade right now. Gatorade: Is it in you? And by in, I mean Gatorade. Not my penis. Or Tiger's. That'd be weird. Haha, penis jokes. Call me, Gatorade. [NYDN]
- Kim Kardashian's show about a flack hack in L.A. got better ratings that Kelly Cutrone's show did, but that's because (A) America's full of stupid people addicted to stupid shit and (B) does it matter? Because Kelly Cutrone will still cut a bitch. In the face. If Kelly Cutrone and Kim Kardashian met on a dark street, you know what'd happen? Probably nothing, right. But in an ideal world, Cutrone would just throttle Kardashian on behalf of dead brain cells everywhere that were once the among the living. Just like, BOOM, a single jab to the face. Biggity-BOW. POW. Etc. [Page Six]
- Rachel Ray shared her exercise secrets. One of them probably isn't "smoke a fuckload of cigarettes," which I hear she does. For the record, this is also part of the Gawker Media fitness diet. Seriously. I think we're equity partners with Phillip Morris or something. HEY YO DEL, you and Batty should get on this shit. I'm talkin' a full fuckin' banner ad with flash or whatever, and it's just a single Parliament light, and it burns down from left to right while you're reading the page, and when it gets to end of the cigarette, it reminds you: TIME TO STEP OUTSIDE, AND TAKE A MOMENT FOR YOURSELF. PARLIAMENT LIGHTS: THE SMOKE OF PROFESSIONAL BLOGGERS. Hey Phillip Morris, call me. [People]
- Sean Hayes said hi to someone at the Algonquin he thought was Stanley Tucci. It wasn't. Fair mistake. Did you know there's a cat at the Algonquin hotel that lives there? Yeah, that's it's job, to be the fucking cat at the Algonquin. Some people just have it made. [Page Six]
- Barry Bonds' wife is filing for divorce. Poor guy. Maybe he can take more domestic bliss-enhancing drugs, or something? [NYDN]
- Jerry Weintraub is old. Time for his memoir. He's got lots of stories about how he broke up a fight at the funeral of Elvis and something about Julia Roberts and a $20 bill. Ha, old people. [Page Six]
- Nas owes the IRS a bunch of money in taxes. If Nas ruled the world, Nas wouldn't owe the IRS taxes. We all would, but he wouldn't. [TMZ]
- The editor of Self ate next to Mick Jagger and Gradyon Carter at the Carter-owned Monkey Bar. She was promoting a new book about how to feel better about yourself. Step 1 was not Don't go to Monkey Bar, though it probably should be. [Page Six]
- Jim Carrey is a grandfather. A grandfather. I was in third grade when that man was talking out of his ass in Ace Ventura. Also, yes: not only does that man have children, but he has children of children. Imagine, for one moment, what having Jim Carrey as your grandfather would be like. Incredible? Terrifying? As long as he shows them the talking ass routine, they will be happy, laughing babies. I know this for a fact. Because every time I watch it, I feel like I still have a developing brain. And I still laugh. [NYDN]
- Gloria Estefan will be playing music with a bunch of food people at the South Beach/Miami Food and Wine Festival tonight. COME ONSHAKEBODYBABY DOTHECONGA, indeed. I may be a straight man, but I do have a weakness for Gloria Estefan songs and South Miami. Then again, so do old Jews. I'm decrepit. [Page Six]
Well, here we are. The last weekend. Apologies for the late wakeup, but you know, I earned it. Don't worry, we'll be here late. This job has been the most fun I've ever had, and we're gonna go out strong. For those of you who are visiting the site for the first time, if you have no idea what's going on, I apologize in advance. This one is for our readers, the ones who have kept coming back, the ones who stick around even after their screams of "BRING ____ _____ BACK" on my first weekend. Little secret to those readers: I was always one of those people, and still am. And some of those people are coming back! Some definitely aren't. But I'm more a fan of Gawker than a writer of it, and I think that will always be the case. Hopefully, I've tended to the site as such, and it's to Gabriel and Nick's credit that they've let me do a little old school dance to a certain extent. Remy, for that matter, too, who has basically reassured me that, with the exception of any legal threats he gets over the weekend, he really won't be checking in. And sure, business as usual will be attended to, but with an extra dash of...you know, that. And some friends, of course. They'll be showing up tomorrow.
So! This weekend's for you. And if you feel like running something on the site, or want to see something, by all means, give me a shout, and we'll see what we can do. In the mean time, here's to you! Thank you guys. It's been fun, and it will be.