It's no big secret that today is Gawker EIC Gabriel Snyder's last day. We suck at goodbyes, but we are great at telling other people what to do, so here are our suggestions for our former boss' next big step.
Richard "Dazzling Copy Superhuman" Lawson:
My advice to Gabriel Snyder is to give his brain a rest for a few weeks. His oft-wild hair and beard are sort of the external physical manifestation of what I imagine the inside of his head must feel like. The man knows basically everything about everything. We'd have edit meetings and I'd marvel at how he can hold forth on pretty much any topic put before him, recognize any name, recall an unending amount of interesting little anecdotes that played on a theme. I've honestly never seen anything like it. I think I've bested him only on knowledge of Gossip Girl, which says far worse about me than it does about him. Gabe's mega-brain is a tremendous asset for this kind of work, but it must get *exhausting* sometimes, just knowing all that stuff. So my advice is to just turn it off, if possible, for a few weeks. Just turn the notch down to our level for a bit and watch reruns of Friends or something.
This is probably not going to happen, because Gabe is a tireless and eager thinking machine — one I'd follow to the ends of the internet — but I thought I'd say it anyway.
Doree "Gimlet-Eyed Appraiser" Shafrir:
Everyone knows that when God closes a door, He opens a window. I'd like you to think of this as a window not in cold, dark, wintry New York City, but a window into God's heart. That's right—I think you should become a missionary. You could take the wicked ways you learned at this "website" and turn them into forces for good. Just because Denton and the rest of us are going to burn in hell doesn't mean you have to. SAVE YOURSELF WHILE YOU STILL CAN. And think of the children, etc. Love, Doree
Brian "Conversation-Starting Enunciator" Moylan:
My suggestion is to get out of the game altogether. Don't you read this fucking site? Media is dying! Instead, become a high school guidance counselor. It's basically what you've been doing anyway: corralling a bunch of ungrateful brats to do their best work, making their ideas better with your skill and experience, and letting them know when they have really bad ideas and sharing some great ideas of your own. There is also a British headmaster involved. Like a guidance counselor did long ago, you took a shot on me and hired me out of nowhere, and I will forever be thankful. So, yes, eduction! Might I suggest a tony UES institution with lots of asshole parents you can tips us off about. And one with a lax dress code, because you only own one pair of shoes.
Hamilton "Humorous Workhorse" Nolan:
With the caveat that my own career knowledge has only landed me here, my important career advice to Gabe is this:
1. Print is dead, unless you can get a sweet per word rate.
2. Don't take any wooden nickels.
3. Never work for the British.
Outside of that I'm sure you'll do great. Working here has given you more than enough skills to bullshit your way through any situation you'll face. Twenty years from now we'll all get together and laugh about this, because of wet brain. So have fun now!
Alex "Incisive Political Commenter" Pareene:
While it's tempting, during any period of uncertainty, to jump at the first opportunity that presents itself, it's wise to be as patient as you can afford to be. I took a questionable job shortly after dropping out of college, and now I've been working for Nick Denton for five years. With that in mind, I offer a brief list of jobs I'm sure you've been offered, Gabriel, that you should definitely turn down.
- Printout collator, Daily Beast
- Managing editor, Guest of a Guest
- Communications director, office of the Governor of New York
- Location scout, Real Housewives of New York
- Stylist, NonSociety
- Fact checker, BigGovernment.com
- Host, Tonight Show
That about covers it. Be careful out there.
"Dog Reporter" John Cook:
Here are some lessons for your future endeavors I think we've learned together:
6) Don't feel like you have to be so nice, or friendly, all the time! Try to be more of a dick.
7) If you end up running a blog-type thing, maybe make it really self-involved and navel-gazing and insidery?
8) In all seriousness, stay away from British people.
Sorry for all the mean things I muttered under my breath about you, that's just the way I am with bosses. Thanks for everything.
Ryan "Cliche-Free Coverer" Tate:
Go West, young man, and I don't mean Tinseltown again. I'm talking
Silicon Valley. You'll still be living out your professional life in
public, because tech dons respect privacy even less than the New York
media. You'll still have to buffer your all-too-human staff against
unpredictably manic, sometimes lethal robotic overlords. And certain
Valley wags (ahem) will continue to accumulate credit for your ideas
and hard work. But out here when your generate massive growth and big
buzz, you can actually get rich in the process. Or at least have
enough to buy a fancy car to use for sitting in traffic.
Also, never accept a big story assignment from your editor on Friday
night at 5 p.m. after the end of your shift, because you will probably
up literally all night interviewing, transcribing, rearranging,
writing and editing and cutting audio. In fact, it's probably best to
just not pick up the phone. Unless, you know, you want to have another
awesome story to tell people over beers for years to come.