Is "fishers of men" a euphemism for cruising? Adam Lambert kisses a girl. Shakira makes fetal position sexy. Lil' Wayne has eight root canals. The guy who punched Romney is a famed rapper. Friday gossip wants to drill, baby, drill.

  • Elton John outed the son the God to Parade magazine: "I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems. On the cross, he forgave the people who crucified him. Jesus wanted us to be loving and forgiving." Now that he's cleared that up, I think Elton should focus his supernatural powers of gaydentification on Mitt Romney's sons. Statistically speaking, one of them has to be. [Parade]
  • Remember how, when Lil' Wayne got permission to delay his incarceration for "oral surgery," everyone thought it was to tweak his grills? Turns out he had eight root canals in one sitting. This must be why Lil' Wayne swears so much. His teeth must have been killing him. [TMZ]
  • After his big press conference, Tiger Woods will return to rehab. Apparently he's just on a week-long break from the full-time work of breaking his sex addiction. [AP]
  • Speaking of Tiger: Elin Nordegren's recent flashing of big ol' Nike logos signals her support for him, The Daily Mail reasons, since Nike is the only major company that stuck with him through the scandal, and Tiger's been wearing it at every outing, too. In the future, group endorsements will take the place of marriage. Here, let's write one for Elin and Tiger. The scene begins with a slow-motion cut of a gymnast's bandaged feet landing on a mat, chalk dust swirling; she wobbles; she stands; the crowd roars. "Nike: Stick with it." Alternately: Tiger pantomiming practice swings in the living room while a buxom blonde screams at him and children cry. [DailyMail]
  • The guy kicked off an airplane for going postal on Mitt Romney was one of the rappers from LMFAO. You know, the "La La La" guys? [click for aural refresher] Good material for the culture war! [TMZ]
  • Details released more photos of "allergic to vaginas" Robert Pattinson's photo shoot. In the new picture [fig.1, NSFW though benign] he averts eye contact with two naked ladies. [Details]
  • A sneak peek at Shakira's music video co-starring Rafael Nadal! (But is it really a "sneak" if the studio gave it to us?) Anyway, in "Gitana (Gypsy)" Shakira and Rafa lie on their backs and stare at the ceiling, stunned, as though awaking from an awkward one-night-stand. But then, they ET-touch figners and Shakira curls into a sexy fetal position and rains Eskimo kisses on Nadal's gently flaring nostrils. [DailyMail]
  • Lisa Rinna tweeted an apology to Heidi Montag for making fun of her plastic surgery. Also, she wants to know if she can have Heidi's surgeon's number. [Twitter]
  • Howard Stern's relentless campaigning for the American Idol judge position has failed: Simon Cowell says Stern won't replace him, nor will Madonna. (Madonna was in the running?) Perez Hilton, though, "would be funny. He's got good taste in music, he's god a personality." I did not think they could find a candidate worse than Howard Stern. I was wrong. [NYDN]
  • Speaking of American Idol, top-24 contestant and Chris Golightly has been cut due to a technicality: He was under contract for a boy band when he auditioned last year, and though his boy band producer signed a release to let him compete, the paperwork got screwed up and now Chris is off. Red tape: the Achilles heel of every 19-year-old aspiring star. [Popeater]
  • Ronnie from Jersey Shore is "very sorry" for calling a guy a "fucking faggot" and "fucking queer" while beating the shit out of him. Next time, he will focus on beating the shit out of strangers in silence. [TMZ]
  • Adam Lambert says he made out with Ke$ha. She really is a tranny, isn't she. [TMZ]

Figure 1.