The Jay Leno Show died today. It was five months old. Tonight, a half-dead zombie version of the show briefly rose from its deathbed to celebrate its own demise. This was as fun to watch as you might expect.

The Jay Leno Show's cause of death has been the subject of much controversy in past weeks. But all signs during tonight's final show pointed to the failure of that most vital of organs: The host. "This show was supposed to last 2 years, but my sentence was reduced to five months for good behavior," gasped Leno. "Five months! Do you realize guys on viagra had erections that lasted longer than that?" The audience's forced laughter only underscored how depressingly macabre the whole thing was; if you're going to have a zombie stagger around telling jokes on stage, at least make them good jokes!

A short video was played in honor of the deceased. It was celebrity-studded and about as funny as someone drawing a dick on a roadside cross which marks the site of a bus crash. There could have been no more fitting tribute to The Jay Leno Show.

Ashton Kutcher delivered a eulogy: "I felt like it was fitting that I came on the last show to reveal that the whole Tonight Show/earlier show thing was a punk." A hilarious punk!

As did Bob Costas: "The Last '10@10' huh? Kind of like being involved in the last broadcast of a Clipper's season, isn't it?"

And just to make sure we didn't miss it too much, the show included one final installment of the worst reoccurring comedy bit in the history of television: "Beer Pong Shot of the Week." Let's do a little bit of revisionist history here and say that it was "Beer Pong Shot of the Week" which ultimately killed The Jay Leno Show. Maybe this will keep anything like "Beer Pong Shot of the Week" from happening ever again.

And with that, The Jay Leno Show was declared dead on February 9th, 2010, 11:00pm EST.

The final Jay Leno Show was a smirking retreat, not a tearful goodbye. Which is fitting, since nobody's crying for The Jay Leno Show. We've all heard the dark rumors that mad scientists are even now working feverishly in NBC's hilltop fortress to breath monstrous new life into the show's putrefying corpse. Quickly, fellow TV-watchers! Our only hope is to draw and quarter this abomination and scatter its parts to the very ends of the earth! Dear God. Do you hear that? We're too late! The Tonight Show with Jay Leno! It's... it's... It's alive!