The Real World: An Inquest into the Wasting of Perfectly Good Pizza
This is a transcript from a hearing of the Senate Pizza Responsibility Committee for an inquest into the wasting of two whole pies at a residence at 2000 S St, NW in Washington, D.C. The honorable Senator Joeseph Lieberman presiding.
Lieberman: We would like to welcome all eight of you to this hearing room to discuss what happened one night last summer when two perfectly good pizza pies met a horrible fate. The American people demand to know why you used these pies for something other than eating. It is a disgrace to this nation and reparations must be made. Ms. Ashley Criesalot, we will start with you. What happened on the night in question?
Ashley: We were all sitting around the house sharing some pizza in the pool room.
Lieberman: You have a pool?
Ashley: No, just a pool table, but we have a hot tub.
Lieberman: OK, please continue.
Ashley: Well, then I took some pizza and ripped it up into tiny bits and put it on Andrew's bed.
Lieberman: You mean, Mr. Andrew Pandahat?
Ashley: Yes, sir.
Lieberman: Why would you do something like that? Why would you tear up a delicious slice that was meant for eating, not for putting on beds?
Ashley: Because it was funny.
Lieberman: Funny? Would you think it was funny if I ripped up this piece of paper and put that on your bed?
Ashley: No, sir.
Lieberman: Why not?
Ashley: Because it's not a pizza.
Lieberman: Well, that is just a despicable act. What happened next.
Ashley: Then Andrew savagely attacked me with great...savageness and shoved the pizza in my face.
Lieberman: Mr. Pandahat, did you do this?
Andrew: I wouldn't call it a savage attack, it was more like honest retribution.
Lieberman: But why use an innocent slice of pizza for your retribution?
Andrew: I thought about licking her face, but I knew she would probably kill me if I did that, so I just used the pizza. But she totally freaked out about it. I mean, I was just pinning her down on a bed and rubbing food in her face. Don't you think that's funny?
Lieberman: No, Mr. Pandahat, I do not find the wanton abuse of food funny! Nor do I find your tactics especially appealing. Who can tell me what happens next?
Ty Bystander: Mr. Lieberman sir, I must say it's an honor to...
Lieberman: Shut up! Just tell me what happened.
Ty: We were sitting in the pool room and I was trying to make out with Emily and Ashley started to clean up the mess. Andrew was just stand there looking weird and waiting for her to approach him. When he did, he pushed her, sending the pizza boxes flying and he kept shoving her and chasing her around the room with the pizza boxes.
Lieberman: Were there still slices and crusts in the box?
Ty: Yes sir, but I was more worried about Ashley. She was clinging onto me for protection.
Lieberman: Why should you be concerned for her safety when there is food being wasted! Do you know that there are starving children across the world who could survive on the pizza crusts that you children just threw on the ground?
Ty: Well, it wasn't all of us, it was just Andrew!
Lieberman: Mr. Pandahat, how do you account for your actions.
Andrew: I was just trying to be funny. It was all a joke. Like my flip-up sunglasses.
Lieberman: Mr. Pandahat, are you one of those people who say "I'm just kidding" when you're really serious, but you want to hide your seriousness and violence behind jokes so you say, "I'm just kidding" when you're really not kidding at all.
Andrew: Yes, sir. Actually, no. I'm just kidding.
Lieberman: You're a special type of asshole aren't you.
Andrew: But I apologized!
Lieberman: To whom?
Andrew: To Ashley. I eventually just joked around and put a strainer on my head until she had to forgive me and now we're friends again. And then I tried to have sex with her.
Lieberman: I don't care about that, but did you apologize to the pizza?!
Andrew: No, why should I?
Lieberman: That you don't know is the reason we are all today, Mr. Pandahat. So, what about the rest of you? Where were you when this happened. Erika Ima Rocker and Joshua Invisaline. What were you doing when this occurred.
Erika: Your honor our story lines weren't featured that weak.
Lieberman: Unacceptable. If you just stand by and watch the product of so much hard work by so many pizza bakers in D.C. go to waste, then you are as un-American as an apple pie that someone has stepped on. What about you Callie Lensman?
Callie: I was getting my resume ready for my interview at The Washington Blade.
Lieberman: Isn't that a homosexual newspaper? Isn't it run by Kevin Naff?
Callie: Yes, that's who I interviewed with.
Lieberman: Well, I'm glad that horrible thing is dead. I once had a run in with Kevin Naff when he called me a near-sighted homophobe. Can you believe that?
Callie: No. He just talked to me a lot about Janet Jackson.
Lieberman: Janet Jackson! Disgusting! Did you take the internship?
Callie: Yes, and I had to go to a gay bar and I met lots of really nice gay people and Mike even hooked up with this really cute guy. You should be nicer to gay people.
Lieberman: Michael H.R.C. Fakeinternship, are you a homosexual?
Mike: Yes and I think you are being...
Lieberman: Enough! You will not speak for the rest of this hearing.
Mike: But sir, I think...
Lieberman: Close your mouth or I will have you locked up. So, how was this whole pizza business resolved.
Ashley: Well, after spending a night in a hotel and three days moping in a chair, I decided to forgive Andrew.
Lieberman: Why did you forgive that pizza-hating prick?
Ashley: I didn't really forgive him. I will never be close to him because he won't open up. I need all friends to share their deepest darkest secrets and aspirations with me in order to feel safe. That and they shouldn't beat me up for no good reason.
Lieberman: That is true. No man should treat a woman like that. It is no wonder he never gets laid.
Andrew: Mr. Lieberman, sir. I would like to explain.
Lieberman: Shut up! You shall explain nothing but how you are going to make up for this atrocity that has damaged the self-worth of Italian delicacies the world over.
Andrew: I can buy a new pizza.
Lieberman: No. You are hereby all banned from ever eating pizza again. Apparently you can not be trusted from letting it utter ruin your entire lives. This homosexual-infested hearing is over! Please, leave. And next time, order a cheese steak.