Michael Douglas is living through Traffic, and his kid might be a RAT. Alicia Keys and Swizz Beats trying to make beautiful music. Nicole Richie: not a skeleton. Jessica Alba's one year-old daughter: caliente? Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Michael Douglas showed up in court yesterday to deal with the case surrounding his son, Cameron, his drug-trafficking charges, and the ten-year prison sentence he faces. Douglas' appearance in the court was closed, and the file's been sealed, which means any number of things, one of which the Post suggests: Cameron's naming names. All of this goes without saying "holy shit, Michael Douglas is absolutely living through Traffic right now." [Page Six]

  • Alicia Keys might be engaged to Swizz Beats! And they might be buying Lenny Kravitz's apartment! Their babies will come out looking like Grammys, or something, and the lesbian rumors about Keys still won't go away. [NYDN]

  • Fact: Sometimes I wake up in the morning feeling like P. Diddy, even though he's in a white mansion with giraffes walking around as butlers and I'm basically living in a roadside ditch in Brooklyn. And I've never had pedicures on my toes, toes, or brushed my teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels, though I've certainly drank it before noon. The point here is that Ke$ha should call me, because apparently, she's into "big, fat guys with beards that wear thick glasses." Next stop: LensCrafters. [Page Six]

  • Some crusty old golfer was like "Tiger Woods putting his balls basically everywhere is bad for the game." Yes, because the worst thing that could happen is that golf, the most exciting game in the world, featuring the most compelling athletes in the world, gets spiced up. Reminder: golf is boring and golfers are just as boring. [NYDN]

  • Oprah's giving a Power Women in Communications something or other award to her best friend. What'd you do for your best friend today? [Page Six]

  • Nicole Richie is complaining that the claims of her having an eater disorder were unfair. Well, honey, we know a skeleton when we see one. Especially when it looks like the bones are covering the skin. Either way, if you're not rexo, you're not rexo. We're okay with that, I promise. Less talking about you, more talking about the ever-collapsing geopolitical infrastructure of the middle east. [NYDN]

  • Paris Hilton has a temporary restraining order up against her. TMZ's resident handwriting expert has no idea what it says. [TMZ]

  • Rihanna's going to the Grammy's solo. We're supposed to make a big deal out of this because you know the whole Chris Brown thing, but it's really not that interesting. Like, really, it's not. In fact, the Grammy's are still pretty passe, and mostly: meaningless. [NYDN]

  • Brittney Murphy's death is still sketchy, now the L.A. coroner's office is trying to "fill in gaps" from her medical history. [TMZ]

  • Matthew McConaughey is a baby daddy to his girlfriend's baby, and they gave out a press handout, and it's really, really cute. Also, considering that woman just gave birth, like woah: so hot. Oh, other awesome thing: the quote he gave on his website to his fans. He really is that character from Dazed and Confused. [NYDN]

  • One of these Real Housecreatures got someone arrested for pulling someone else's hair or something? Whatever. [People]

  • Michael Jackson's kids are preparing for what inevitably will be the worst part of the Grammy's, when they have to give a speech in honor of their father, and we will all feel really, really bad and terrible and not want to look, because at the end of the day, these are kids, and this will not be cute or touching so much as sad, sad, just sad. [TMZ]

  • Jessica Alba's daughter will grow up to be a Spanish-speaker, but more importantly: hot. [People]

  • John Travolta's extortionist remains adamant about her innocence. Meanwhile, everyone who's seen that new Travolta movie where he's bald and scary-ugly and blowing things up are adamant about you not going to see it. Because it's awful. And they want to protect the public good. You DO want to protect the public good, right? Right. Also, her name is Pleasant Bridgewater? That's like something out of Clue. [TMZ]

Good morning lovlies! Late edition! We'll be catching up and things like that. In the mean time, here, for my future wife Ke$ha, you should cover this song, which is sung by a band with a fat bearded hipster lead singer: jam on it. Also, this will basically be today:

[Photo via Getty Images]