Andy Dick: Something about his penis getting in trouble. Rihanna's about to break her man's umbrella off. Helen Mirren has a lesson for your children about getting drunk and stupid. Megan Fox's freaky thumbs! Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

  • Andy Dick, Andy Dick, Andy "Handy" Dick: What kind of fucked up shit have you gotten yourself into now? Furthering his own fame as a perpetual motion machine of persona-as-punchline for Hollywood's best comics, the laff riot that is his life took a new twist when he was arrested for sexually abusing something that wasn't an inanimate object. Details are vague, but to chance a guess, let's say: monkey, iguana, person, or trying to play "The Midas Game" with his penis. To Dick's credit, he's managed to put the word-scrambled "smug" in "mugshot," as he delivered the cops camera a Hollywood-born smirk. Enjoy. [TMZ]

  • Michael Douglas is worried about his kid, Cameron, getting his ass kicked in prison, or having his spirit broken, or any of the things parents worry about when their kids go to prison. And then some, because he's Michael Douglas' kid. Thing is, dollars to donuts most inmates won't even know who Michael Douglas is. If I were Cameron, I'd tell them my dad was Michael Keaton, who was batman, and who will fuck your shit up. Strategies, we have them. [Page Six]

  • Batter up, legal eagles: Matt Kemp, the L.A. Dodger dating Rihanna, is denying being in an abusive relationship before dating Rihanna, which the woman he supposedly abused is abusively trying to abuse him with using a two by four of the TROOF, as opposed to the titanium umbrella-ella-ella Rihanna's going to shove up his ass when she inevitably finds out that there's some degree of truth to this. [TMZ]

  • Tory Burch just bought a $32.5M estate in Southampton. Thirty. Two. Point five. Million. For selling shit like this:

Yes, they're glorified ballerina flats. And they probably cost a grip of cash. They're not even bedazzled. They have some stupid amulet-looking thing at the end. Meanwhile, I can't even rent a campsite in Montauk because it's out of my price range and doesn't get WiFi. Related: WE ARE ALL IN THE WRONG BUSINESS. [Page Six]

  • Because the world has gone crazypants, the cast of The Most Important Sociological Experiment of our time, Jersey Shore, have become popular enough to overcrowd a New Jersey club and get it shut down. [TMZ]

  • How do you know Sundance is totally, completely, unquestionably over? When Jon Gosselin shows up with his latest "video ho." [People]

  • Bon Jovi purchased an antique guitar. Now he should sell his vintage career. [Page Six]

  • This graphic the Daily News photo editor put together for this story on Bristol and Levi's child support battle is one-sheet level shit. The dramatization of this will be glorious. [NYDN]

  • Not exactly news-y, per se, but of the public interest no less: TMZ now has a gallery exclusively of Megan Fox's Freaky Thumbs. [TMZ]

  • Jeffrey Ross, who's about a step above Andy Dick when it comes to Hollywood punchlines, made a bunch of jokes about New Jersey. Some of them were funny. [P6]

  • Joaquin Phoenix has resurfaced from his career as a bearded rapping hipster without the beard, or the rap, and he did it for charity. Not because his agent threatened to cut his throat and bleed him like an off-season game hunt. [NYDN]

  • Kim Kardashian, who's—as Joel McHale famously noted—famous for having a big ass and a sex tape, now has a legitimately creepy stalker. Which sucks, for both parties: Who would be low-rent enough among stalkers to stalk a Kardashian, of all people? Only in Hollywood. Here, she couldn't even get a 2 at 7, let alone come up with a stalker. Related, here's footage of Kim Kardashian getting punched in the face really, really hard. For charity! [NYDN]

  • Mama always said: don't get a tat when you're shitfaced. Helen Mirren didn't listen. Now she regrets it. When I have kids, I'm gonna be like, you wanna tat-TOO??!? So you TOO can be a conformist? You know what Helen Mirren has to say about that? DO YOU WANT TO THROW AWAY YOUR FUTURE? DO YOU?!!?!adko;faslfjks;lk;lk [People]

  • I wonder if you still have to say hi to your mother for Mark Wahlberg after you lost a $100,000 golf game to him. [P6]

  • How often do you think about Rosie O'Donnell having sex? Obviously not enough. She's moving in with her new ladyfriend. Which means they'll be having tons more sex. And she told it to Oprah. What's that do for you? [NYDN]

So, the lesson? Don't become a fat, fucked up, perverted tattooed child-of-a-celebrity junkie (or, you know, a real one, for that matter). Good morning, friends! We've got more on the way, in the mean time, please start your Glorious Days of Life Outside The Hoosegow with this solemn, beautiful, epic rock opera tale of everything that has yet to go wrong. We've got an entire weekend to make it happen, so magic: get worked. Sha la la la, man.

[Photo via Getty Images]