The future is now: Television is going 3-D! According to the LA Times, the Discovery Channel and ESPN are launching 24/7 3-D channels in the near future. But what will today's shows be like in 3-D? We have the answer!

Keep this guide handy: Although only around 1 million of the 115 million TVs currently owned by Americans can handle 3-D, it's only a matter of time before all television expands to the glorious third dimension. (ESPN's 3-D channel launches this year, while the Discovery Channel will be rolling theirs out in 2011, while the NYT reports DirecTV will announce 3-D channels tomorrow.) Here are our predictions for how 3-D television broadcasting will change some of your favorite shows:

  • "Gossip Girl": Exactly the same.
  • "The View": Exactly the same.
  • "The Weather Channel": Exactly the same.
  • "Sports": Winter Olympics coverage now 90% luge.
  • "CNBC": Busty news anchors now 90% bustier.
  • "Letterman": Notecards! Duck!
  • "The Tonight Show": Pompadour! Duck!
  • "Anderson Cooper 360": Insane intros and transitions even more insane: [Massive "AC360" Logo flies out of the screen followed by red white and blue columns, followed by flock of brilliantly white swans breathing fire.]
  • "The O'Reilly Factor": Bill O'Reilly's bulging neck vein given own prime-time show.
  • "The Simpsons": "The last time watched 'The Simpsons' it was in only two dimensions."
  • "Impaled!" ("Tales of people who were impaled in bizarre and horrifying ways"): Unwatchable.
  • "30 Rock:" Still awesome.
  • "The Jay Leno Show": Still unwatchable.
  • "Jersey Shore": Projectile vomit projects more.
  • "Geraldo At Large": Nose projects more.
  • "This Old House": Projects project more.
  • "Intervention": Inspires sadness that is deep as it is tall and wide.
  • Shark Week: Beaches abandoned the world over.
  • "Mad Men": Finally exposes Don Draper as actually kind of chunky.
  • James Van Der Beek's "World's Most Amazing Things Thrown at Video Cameras": Most-watched show on (3-D) television.

(Photo via Justj0000lie's Flickr)