Jon Gosselin's apartment got ransacked, someone left a stabby note. Literally! Also, they broke his Ming Vase. Amy Winehouse's looking to get into Altarcations? Michael Lohan: Christmas sleazy. Katt Williams: gunslingy. Bruce Springsteen: Nutcracky. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup!

  • I've been trying to think of a way to rhyme the word "Karma" with "Jon Gosselin" but I can't but how 'bout we go with the great karma anthem of our time (that isn't "Karma Police," obviously), a little ditty that goes something like this: Jon Gosselin, What goes around goes around goes around gonna find it's way back arouuuuuund, yeah.. 'Dude got his apartment JACKED UP. No, seriously, like, shit wasn't stolen, somebody just came in a beat the shit out of all of his material possessions, and left a note STABBED to the wall. Can't make this up. Watch:
  • Somebody wielding a butcher knife tore through the entire apartment and "speared" a note - signed by "Hailey Glassman," his gal pal - to Gosselin's dresser with the blade, according to TMZ. The assailant sliced through Gosselin's shoes, shirts, curtains and other furnishings with the knife, sources said. A television, CD player and a Nintendo Wii game were also found smashed to pieces inside the flat of the former "Jon & Kate Plus 8" star, sources said. A Ming vase, possibly "over 100 years old," was also destroyed, Gosselin's lawyer told TMZ.

  • DAMN, son. Hell hath no fury like a universe scorned. You were kind of an asshole to the universe and it came in and smashed all the nice things you bought with the money you got from putting your eight kids on television and letting that dead possum'd hairlady ex-wife of yours run wild with it! Also, a Ming Vase? I do kinda feel bad about the Ming Vase for you. What'd you do to Ms. Glassman, exactly, that pissed her off, so? HM? She doesn't strike me as the most likely candidate for the Agent of Karma in your life, but then again, they never are. [NYDN]

  • You guys, the New York Daily News' Boris and Natasha-esque gossip columnists Rush & Molloy didn't file this week. I'm not happy. In fact, kind of worried. If you see these two anywhere around town this week, please just let me know they're okay. I miss them. George Rush's last NYDN filing was on Thursday about Mary J. Blige trying to cool the drama over her husband getting into a fight at her record release party. Sigh. No More Drama my ass. [NYDN]

  • File Under: Gossip Items waaaaaay too complicated for most people to understand at this hour of the day. Page Six leads off with Sigourney Weaver being named as a defendant in a $5M lawsuit between two makeup mavens. Can't these people do what all other New Yorkers do and just go to Sephora and take whatever samples you need for the next four days and leave? Also, Keihls is good for this. Those guys will load you up on samples like woah. [Page Six]

  • Amy Drunkhouse is getting married! Or something. She's having a mock wedding to the guy who is basically the reason she's such a hot mess, that Blake fellow, who's in and out of prison more times in a year than most people piss in a week. She's Jewish, no? But I can't seem them doing the whole bottle-breaking thing, because, you know, that'd be putting a good bottle that you could drink/cut someone with/smoke out of/put into something a smoke to waste. Seriously, Amy Winehouse would smoke her own chuppah if they let her. [The Sun]

  • Katt Williams pulled out a gun—a gun, a big, sparkly, shiny gun—last night after some riffraff went down in LA. I miss the heyday of funnypeople doing crazy shit as much as the next guy—Michael Richards, Martin Lawrence, whoever—but Katt, that is a piece you're packing. You really think House of Pain was gonna do anything? Guns: no fun. Chill on that shit. Also, Katt Williams, what the fuck are you doing with a hand cannon in your car? Maybe LA's edgy again? So many questions, here. [TMZ]

  • Michael Lohan! Still a dirtbag, even on Christmas. Dina was in court with him over something before the holiday, some more child support bullshit or whatever. But here's the thing I don't understand: Dina Lohan, who's a succubus of money off her daughters' respective careers, who's also managed to edge herself into the cameras and become a C-Grade celebrity herself, that Dina Lohan is still hitting up the Broke Phi Broke Michael Lohan? Right. Inevitable conclusion reached every time anybody ever uses brain cells to fuel thought about this: they all suck. [Page Six]

  • Willie Nelson's going to save the wild horses of America (he's not talking about me, just to be sure) and then he's going to probably get reeeeeally fucking high after. What'd you do today? [Page Six]

  • Ivana Trump is such a boogieladymonster, she scared a bunch of kids and they kicked her off a plane leaving Palm Beach. Seriously, to be so fucked up and mouthy and crazy on pills and look so plastic that they kick you off a plane in Palm Beach? Girl. GIRL. [TMZ]

  • After yesterday's Classic Charlie Sheen Christmas Special in which he was arrested for choking his wife while she was drunk (or whatever), they have no plans on getting divorced. Yay! I'm all about people working their shit out, even if it is two crazypeople like Charlie Sheen and whoever he's married to right now. [NYDN]

  • TMZ wants to know if you'd rather do Leo DiCaprio or Tobey Maguire while they sit courtside at a Lakers game. I just want their seats. TMZ can take their penises, for all I care. [TMZ]

  • Bruce Springsteen went to see The Nutcracker at the New York City Ballet, and seemed to enjoy himself. Which is funny, because nobody in The Nutcracker is on a one-way track out of a dusty American town full of hard-working people who come home and try to smile but eventually try to get on on a horse or in a car named Sally, and are trying to race towards salvation away from and/or further into America. Actually, The Nutcracker totally fucking sucks. It's about a bunch of rats and a child molester who whisks a girl away with the help of the rats, which is basically everyone's worst nightmare about the E train, except far less frightening. He takes her to another kingdom after setting up an elaborate scheme to make it appear as if a prince helped her get there and when she does, all she does is just, like, watch people from different nationalities dance. That's the entire second act. Shit makes no sense. I saw that it, I know this for a fact. It's bizarre and lame and a fairly uncomfortable experience. [Page Six]

  • People wants you to know that Nic Cage isn't being sued for fraud, just, like, everything else. [People]

  • Here's something about crazy-ass King of New York director Abel Ferrara, who's apparently making a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde feature starring Fitty Cent and Forrest Whittaker. Related: I just had one of those "seriously, I just work here" moments. Abel Ferrara's next project: A Tale of Two Cities remake, starring Kathleen Turner and Ghostface Killah. I'd actually pay good money to see this. [Page Six]

  • Wow. People are still watching Survivor? And some hot chick won it this year? How do we not know about these things? [People]

  • The Winklevoss Twins—who, long story short: two tall, rich WASPy kids who row crew and made money off of UConnect that one of them put into my favorite social nightlife Star Destroyer (or rather: AT-AT?) Guest of a Guest and recently settled for decent moneys after bitching about Mark Zuckerburg stealing their idea for Facebook—were quoted in a fairly fluffy Page Six item about being ha-ha over the Facebook movie Aaron Sorkin wrote. Sigh. I understand all of this nonsense why, exactly? [Page Six]

Good morning everyone! Or, uh, afternoon, as one might have it. Apologies for the late-edition! We've got Altarcations coming at you soon and maybe some fun exclusive stuff. Gotta get moving! Meantime, here's a jam. Let's kick this year and this decade's ass the fuh out of our lives and on to a new, wonderful, clean slate. Hopefully we won't destroy the shit out of it! For the record, this is the dance I do all day while I'm working:

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin, who gave it an awesome caption: "Former 'Jon and Kate Plus 8' reality star Jon Gosselin takes a smoke break from his exhausting life of running errands." Heh.]