December: when people who aren't Christopher Hitchens consider God, and the Miracles of the Universe He/She/It/RuPaul bestow upon us. But there's one question every year that humanity has yet to find a sufficient answer for.

Christians think about Big Baby Jesus. Jews think about their magical eight-night Pennzoil. Kwanzaa...I don't know. [Do you?] But a long held mystery of the universe: On Christmas, the Semites of America eat Chinese food. Why? Sure: it's the only thing that's open. Lots of Chinese food could, I guess, be considered Kosher. There're plenty of "logical" reasons, none of which are really all that sufficient when you get down to it! Fact is, an essential part of the answer to this question has been missing: authority.

That said, there are only so many times you can ask "WWJ8LD?" (or: "What would former New York Times columnist and dumpling expert Jennifer 8. Lee do?) every December 25th when it comes to the yearly mystic ritual of Jews and Chinese food. Well, Jenny "8-Ball" Lee: you're not the only expert on this in New York. In fact, you're playing second fiddle in this city to someone on our masthead: Adrian Chen.

Adrian's half-Jewish! He's also of Asian decent. And just because he's not speaking at the 92nd Street Y doesn't mean The Jews (i.e. me) or the rest of the world (i.e. whoever's still on the internet right now) don't need to hear this knowledge unearthed for the first time from such an authoritative first-hand source. Sometimes, when you're doing investigative reporting, the answer is right under your nose, as was the case for me here! It goes without saying, but the whole "Jewish thing" may have made getting past this exponentially more difficult...up until now. This is game-changing work right here. Presenting the answer to the most important, multi-ethnic, cross-cultural question in the history of America's December Holidays:

[Click to Enlarge.]

Happy Holidays, everyone! May the cookies of your holiday fortune be filled with wonderful things.