They never learn, do they? Not to have sex with people you are not married to, that is. That is what they (elected officials) did not learn, in the 2000s. Who were they trying to have sex with? Literally everyone.

Capitol Hill Pages

Oh, boy.

The entire year of 2006 was actually fucking insane. 2008 was on a bigger stage, and it had Palin, but 2006 marked the actual point at which the modern Republican party melted down. Like, for good—you think this "Tea Party" thing is the work of a coherent political entity? It is some terrible new deconstruction of the concept of having a coherent political ideology.

Mark Foley was a congressman from Florida. He liked steamroom. He was a Republican. He sexted, on the AIM, with underaged, male Senate pages. He twice drove to the page dorms in the middle of the night and was turned away by the Capitol Police. Various House Republicans, including Denny Hastert, knew about his proclivities for years, but did nothing until AIM transcripts leaked onto the internet.

He resigned, and he took the majority leader with him. It was pretty hilarious! Also Ann Coulter voted for him illegally. All of this broke in October before the midterm elections.

So, no more page-fucking, guys! It is bad news, for the party!


Just, don't have sex with hookers, ok? If you are an elected official, obviously. If you are like, just some guy, then do what you want! We don't care!

But having sex with a hooker made poor New York Governor Eliot Spitzer have to resign from being governor, and that was like the only thing he was good at! (Except that he was never actually that good at it.)

Having sex with hookers (allegedly while wearing diapers!) made Louisiana Senator David Vitter not run for governor, too! (Though, weirdly, he never resigned.) (Also then there was some airport rage but that was not very sexy.)

Rielle Hunter

Do you want a classic example of exactly the sort of person you should not sleep with, as a politician? How about a crazy drug-addled new-ager hippie party girl who goes by five different names and who was the basis for a character in a Jay McInerney book? And you know how you really shouldn't carry on this affair with this woman that you really, really shouldn't sleep with? By hiring her to produce "web video shorts" for your presidential campaign after you meet her at a bar, then carrying on an affair with her that is so obvious that Page Six picks up on it, then getting her pregnant, then getting caught sneaking into a hotel to visit her by National Enquirer reporters, and then have a staffer who is basically in love with you claim paternity of the love-child.

Well, John Edwards did all of this. Oh, we forgot to mention that your wife shouldn't have cancer during all of this.

Cynthia Hampton

Nevada Senator John Ensign, well, he fell in love with a lady who happened to be married to one of his top aides. Whoops! Thankfully, his parents had money, and they used that money to pay the lady's husband off. But he kept trying to call Fox News anyway! What a jerk! And Senator Tom Coburn was there to encourage Ensign to pay off the husband to keep it quiet—this is what they discuss at "C Street," the magical dorm for world-domination-seeking Christians who serve in congress and cheat on their wives.

Undercover Cops

Well, if you make it to the part where you actually sleep with the undercover cop, you have actually made out just fine. But it is really not worth risking it by attempting to pick them up in airport bathrooms. Because they will arrest you! And then basically you will become a hilarious laughing stock. But, weirdly, you will not resign...? Though you will not run for reelection, which is kinda the same thing.

Male Prostitutes/Jeff Gannon

Ok, this one... we never actually found out who Jeff slept with, though it is always fun to say "Karl Rove." But this was a male prostitute, who named himself Jeff Gannon, who somehow became the White House correspondent for a make-believe conservative internet "news site" and who was frequently called on at White House press conferences, when they wanted a friendly question.

Yes, the Bush administration called on a male prostitute when they wanted a friendly question. It was a weird decade.


There was this woman, Jessica Cutler. She had a blog. She called herself Washintonienne. In retrospect, who knows why this was a big deal? It was post-Chandra Levy and pre-Foley, basically. There hadn't been anything good since Clinton!

But she had an affair with this guy, Robert Steinbuch. He sued her, which made sure that everyone knew that Robert Steinbuch is a spanking fetishist. (He sued us, too, so fuck him.)

Chandra Levy

So awkward being the first sex scandal of a new decade, right? Thankfully no one really remembers, anymore. Though thanks to Mickey Kaus (among others!) most people still probably think Gary Condit killed that woman, which he didn't, actually.

The IDF Officer You Have Made a Homeland Security Advisor

Yes, well, congratulations, former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevy, for having one of the weirder entries on this list, which is saying something!

Spanish-Language TV Correspondents

Don't think we forgot about you, LA Mayor Antonia Villaraigosa! We just don't really care that much about you, actually. But still, you slept with a Spanish-language television reporter, which is funny.

People You Meet at Sex Clubs

Many years ago, a man named Jack Ryan, who was once married to Jeri Ryan of "The Star Treks," ran for the Senate against Barack Obama. Yes. Well. Someone (a judge) released his sealed divorce records, which revealed that he had gone to a lot of "sex clubs" because he wanted to have "sex in public." And he pressured Mrs. Borg to go with.

Argentinian Firecrackers

And then there was Mark Sanford, whose sex scandal was just really goofy. He is the silly Governor of South Carolina. One day he disappeared! We were told he was "hiking the Appalachian Trail." He was not. He was sleeping with a lady in Argentina. Apparently, he did this a lot! Now, he is still the governor, but pretty soon he will not be married, anymore. So... win-win, except for people in South Carolina.

And that is who not to sleep with, from 2000-2009.