Someone dares invoke the earth-shattering wrath of Demi Moore by calling the ageless aged? Indeed! PageSix got porn-y. Sheriff TMZ's busting Maria Shriver and Lil' Wayne. Courtney Love, Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin: still suck. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup!

  • Okay, so, big item for the Daily News today: Demi Moore looks old, says person on the internet. Not even joking. You'd think this shit'd be in The Onion, right? Even they're not genius enough to come up with this one, which the braintrust handling the NYDN gossip pages pulled from the ether. But unfortunately, there actually kind of is a peg, because Moore was dumb enough to respond:
  • A Twitter follower by the name of Knlr wrote in response to Moore's post: "sorry but, you look old ... specially your neck and cheeks at the second shot.. i'm really sorry." Moore, an avid tweeter alongside husband Ashton Kutcher, fired back: "I'm 47 how am I supposed to look?"

  • The Tweet in question:

And the picture in question:

Essay, you LOCO?!? Okay, the first rule of Internet Club is that we don't let detractors get to us, specifically, shittalky detractors on Twitter. We've all made that mistake, but Demi, come on, honey. Your insecurity's showing. Don't do this again, for any and all of us. [NYDN]

  • Page Six this week opens up with porn, porn, porn! Not just porn, but porn and domestic strife. It's your average we-got-a-book-here's-the-good-part cop out lead item, but because it's about porn, I suppose it gets a pass as readable. Basically: Tera Patrick, who has probably f'd a lot of p's, had a porn star husband named Evan Seinfeld, who—besides possibly being a nice Jewish boy and also holding the unique distinguishment of possibly using his real name in his work—has probably f'd a lot of v's. Anyway, she wanted to get out of the game, and told her mans that was either the marriage or the porn career, and the bastard chose porn. Porn! It ruins marriages! [NSFW Obligatory Plug:] Oh, wait! And then it gets down to the part where we learn who he is. This bastard! Anyway, she met him before he was doing porn, when he was on Oz, and then he started doing porn, and now, he chose porn over their marriage and they became part of a large statistic of porn marriages who break up. Thank you for that moment, Page Six. It was somewhat enjoyable. Somewhat. [Page Six]

  • Speaking of divorces, the ink on the Gosselin divorce is dry. Please, now, both of you creatures: go forth, roam like wildebeest, and for the fucking love of god, take care of your kids, and don't let any of us hear from either of you ever again. [NYDN]

  • Today, in more bad celebrity parenting? Reading about the kind of parent Courtney Love is will just make you mad. So read it if you want, but you've been warned. She's just a mess. She's like the trash heap from Fraggle Rock, but worse. She's awful. [People]

  • Ivana Trump is done with her latest mancreature after supposedly divorcing him, the fourth one. "Supposedly" because when you see the picture Page Six chose to use of her you'll wonder like I did if she didn't just eat him alive like in Species. [Page Six]

  • LeAnn Rimes will learn to "live without" (HAR HAR) soon-to-be-ex-husband Deane Sheremet, who she cheated on with some guy named, uh...Eddie Ciabatta? No! Here it is: Eddie Cibrian. He was her TV movie co-star. Classy! [NYDN]

  • Hillary Swank closed on a Swank-ass pad, as opposed to a Swank asspad. I have no idea what the latter is, but the former's a house in the West Village. [Page Six]

  • Oh, god. It's hard to report the deluge of Tiger Woods news without setting your head spinning so we'll settle on this one piece for now: Elin Nordegren wants all the sex claims aired out, and wants a slow, painful, agonizing divorce, so she can inflict as much damage on this man as possible, kind of like many people in the American (and worldwide) public do! Which makes me like her slightly less. Vengeance is an acquired taste, and in this instance, I just don't have it. Maybe I should. I don't know. [NYDN]

  • Politicians are talking shit with their Christmas invites. Politicians are lame. Even the joke about stabby faceslasher Hiram Monserrate wasn't that funny. [Page Six]

  • I'm sorry, but when did TMZ ascend into GENIUS territory? Have they always been this good? Presenting: "Betty White — Cougar!" without comment. [TMZ]

  • Some decent athlete sightings on today's P6 sightings page, including Kobe Bryant hanging out with Lamar Odom and Ron Artest at Mansion/M2—which, like, come on, guys; no love for Barcade?—but they did tip the waitress $500. Also, this: "Kareem Abdul-Jabbar listening to the jazz stylings of flutist Anne Drummond at Dizzy's Club Coca-Cola." I would like to listen to flutists with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar at Dizzy's! That sounds like a decent night. [Page Six]

  • Also, you know Harvey Levin's just aching to having his paparazzi deputized. He's got Lil' Wayne—soon going to jail on a gun possession charge—holding a mini-automatic shotgun (did you even know those existed?!) and Maria Shriver rolling through a stop sign. Jesus. [TMZ and TMZ]

  • Jason and Ivan Reitman ran with the Olympic torch? Does not compute. [Page Six]

  • Headlines you don't see coming, courtesy of People Dot Com: "Producer Hopeful Maura Tierney Returning to Television." I mean, sure? [People]

So! Apparently, in New York, there's supposed to be some kind of demented Snowpocalypse happening today, but so far, I see no snow, just single-serving meme sites. Also, it's cold as fug, and I had to turn on the space heater last night, and when I do that, I wake up, and I TALGH LIKE THIGS, because it stuffs my face up. Why is that? Behold: Winter Mysteries of The Universe. Anyway! Let's get this day moving, shall we? Bundle up, folks. This year's almost over! Let's push it off the cliff of the aughts together!

[Photo via Bauer-Griffin; suggested title: "My Empire of Dirt"]