LiLo lied about saving those kids in India, almost as embarrassing as Dina Lohan truly out-leeching herself. Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel are in Palm Beach, separately. Michelle Rodriguez talks vaginas and lesbian sex tapes. Monday gossip, locked and loaded.

  • Lindsay Lohan has already messed up the BBC documentary she went to India to film. The production company was forced to release a statement explaining that LiLo's tweets about saving 40 children in "one day's work" were a "mischaracterization" because Lohan wasn't even in India when the raid happened. In other Lindsay news, Dina welcomed her daughter back from halfway around the world by launching a fire sale on Lindsay's clothes on family website [AccessHollywood] [P6]
  • Tiger Woods is in Palm Beach. And so is mistress #1 Rachel Uchitel! TMZ says, however, that it's just a coincidence, and when TMZ warns you not to blow something out of proportion, you know it's really nothing. So, boo. [TMZ]
  • Chris Brown is pissed that "major stores r blackballing my cd. not stocking the shelves and lying to costumers," "the industry can kiss my ass," "what the fuck do i gotta do." What to do? How about (1) Go back in time and not beat your girlfriend (2) Stop assuming the music industry and listening audiences owe you anything (3) Wash your mouth out with soap, four letter words are no way to resurrect your image, young man. Brown's new album is selling well behind Susan Boyle's and the Glee soundtrack, which sounds appropriate. [Gatecrasher]
  • Speaking of men who punch women: Snooki puncher Brad Ferro was part of "underground fighting event" Clash in the Cage, which means you can watch a terrifying muscle-bound man beat the shit out of him, if you want to. Now that MMA has entered the mix, is it possible that Ferro's is a roid rage case? [TMZ]
  • Michelle Rodriguez will come out of the closet just as soon as she finishes recording this wild lesbian sex tape. That's what this quote means, right? "If I wanted to tell people what I do with my vagina, I'd have made a sex video a long time ago." [ShowBizSpy]
  • 30 Rock's gentle giant, Grizz (a.k.a. Grizzwald Chapman), needs to lose 75 lbs. to qualify for the kidney transplant he needs to save his life. The man is 6'11" and 378 lbs., suffers from hypertension, and is approximately four times the size of Dr. Mehmet Oz. [fig.1] Adorably, Dot Com (a.k.a. Kevin Brown) has pledged to lose weight with Grizz and help him get on the transplant list. Don't you love it when people who play nice, sweet friends on TV are nice, sweet friends in real life, too? [NYDN]
  • P. Diddy tried to lose his virginity at age seven, but his mother and babysitter "whipped my ass." The troubling-assumption-to-word density of that sentence is very high. [Gatecrasher]
  • No comment necessary: Real Housewife of New York Countess LuAnn de Lesseps performed "Money Can't Buy You Class" to a group of fellow housewives and other D-listers. [P6]
  • Twilight star Kellan Lutz got paid so little for his role in the movies that he couldn't even afford rent. Luckily, he is outrageously hot and now that the planet knows it, he can get other roles, and model, and auction off his panties and such. Hey, maybe he should call Dina Lohan. [P6]
  • Grammy-nominated reggae star Buju Banton was busted for trying to buy eleven pounds of cocaine, which is enough to warrant a 20-year sentence. Banton is the guy who, in the '90s, wrote a song called "Boom Bye Bye" about shooting gay people and burning them alive. Charming fellow, hope prison suits him. [NYDN]

Figure 1.