BigLips Lohan's claim of rescuing Indian children? Notsomuch. A Christmas tree at Hotel Griffou takes one for the team. Kardashians: God hates you. Halle Berry's still hot. And #servicey! Patti Smith: hotness. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup.

  • Heh. Lindsay Lohan, you dumb, miserable liar. You just got busted lying about the dumbest, most miserable shit you could get busted lying about. Helping kids in India? Yes. You got busted lying about helping kids in India. Not just helping kids, but freeing child laborers in India. She apparently Twittered about having done so at one point—she, I can't even, I mean, for fuck's sake—yes, she Twittered about saving these child laborers in India, at which point, India was like, actually, no, you definitely weren't there.
  • The children were reportedly freed Tuesday from a central New Delhi workshop and taken to the Ashram rehabilitation centre before being united with their families. Bhuwan says the operation took place hours before Lohan landed in India and a day before the actress and a BBC Three film crew visited the rehab centre.

  • "We'll be complaining to the BBC and talking to our lawyers," Bhuwan said in the paper. "Would Lohan know where these workshops are?"

  • She's apparently making some BBC documentary about this, which is such a transparently dumb, ostentatious, uninspired, gross boon for good publicity, the only creature capable of trying to sink it in the basket is Lindsay Lohan. Kid, you could've been a contender. May Long Island never produce another celebrity ever again. Ever. Again. [NYDN]

  • The Christmas tree at celebrity eatery Hotel Griffou's kamikaze attempt to "take a few on the way down" was a miserable failure. It caught fire and the fire was put out (eventually by an extinguisher, but not before some dumbass Griffoon tried throwing water on it). If it wasn't promptly executed last night, it would've performed seppuku this morning in front of the Christmas trees of Minetta Tavern and The Waverly Inn. [Page Six]

  • Boris and Natasha-esque NY Daily News gossip duo Rush & Molloy, I'm too tired to do our little dance, this morning. You get off easy. The Trenchant Twosome set their Moose and Squirrel sights on Uma Thurman's controlling ex-fiance, some dickbag named Arpad Busson. Yeah, right. We know how this one ends. Don't mess with The Bride, brother. [R & M]

  • Two of the Kardashian sisters—who are only famous for one of their otherwise interchangeable rank's extraordinary derriere and groundbreaking piece of cinéma vérité, co-starring Brandy's brother—were doing some promotional thing in Times Square, and they bought underwear with astrological signs on them that their boyfriends would "love," because that's what you think your boyfriend will "love" if you are both (A) doing promotional work and (B) functionally retarded. But the only sentence that matters here comes at the end: The Kardashian sisters have been in town on a promotional blitz for their bulging portfolio of product lines, while sister Kourtney prepares to give birth in Los Angeles. It sounds like a threat, right? THEY'RE BREEDING! [Page Six]

  • More R & M: Nic Cage is making some awful Nic Cage face more often than not as he deals with what sounds like a pretty terrible divorce and subsequent custody battle. Once you bring asshole celebrity lawyer Marty Singer into the mix, it's gotta be bad. [R & M, Third Item]

  • Halle Berry's volunteer service at a battered women's shelter has been uncovered. Probably by her publicist. Who called this in. That aside: Halle Berry is a better person than you, unless you volunteered this week. Which I know* you didn't. Yes, you. [Page Six] [Ed. *I don't actually know this. Like I give a shit. We're all terrible people.]

  • Jesus. The guy from Family Ties who played the youngest Keaton is all tatted up and went to jail for assault. Inferiority complexes from Alex manifested itself in some awful ways over the years for plenty of people. This is just one of them. [NYDN/AP]

  • I have no idea what this item's about, I couldn't read it, my eyes started crossing, but I do know that there's a picture of Celene Dion in it, and I'm imagining her playing the clap drop at 1:12 of Lil Weezy's "Let the Beat Build" on her knee, and it all worked for the best that way. [Page Six]

  • So in South Beach this year on New Year's Eve: Lady Gagadong, Kid Cudi, John Legend, and Drake (The Drizzle! Young Dreezy! Bum Kneezy!). You will probably not be at any of these parties, and if you are, you won't be treated well, because the people who're treated well at those parties don't read this site. I'm okay with that. They're all gun running Israeli arms dealers anyway. [Page Six]

  • I love it when music publicists pony up to get their up-and-coming artists in the gossip pages. Like, what the fuck is a Jason Derulo? We 'pposed to know who that is? Because we don't. [Page Six]

  • But I actually love it when P6 obsesses over the Johnson & Johnson heirs. Like, someone might've put some salt in Richard Johnson's baby shampoo, once? NO MORE TEARS, indeed. Anyway, these people are all kinds of crazy: one of them's dating Tila Tequila, another one's in some battle with the non-billionaire heir locals to install a heliport on his farm. How are these people not exponentially more famous than they are? [Page Six]

  • Sting's daughter is going to make a movie for DKNY with Christina Ricci that's going to be shot in the penthouse of the SoHo Grand, because that's just how shit works in the universe. [Page Six]

  • Former Hard Rock Hotel owner Ed Scheetz's 24 year-old mistress was dead at his penthouse for 17 hours before authorities were called, and basically, that means that he went to work with this dead, overdosed girl at his place. Las Vegas is often a town filled with wonderful characters, and by "wonderful characters" I mean "basically the worst people in America." [Page Six]

  • Josh Deutsch—the guy who owns Downtown Records—is gonna have an awesome week because Rolling Stone named Gnarls Barkley's "Crazy" as the Record of the Decade (they obviously haven't listened to "Gravel Pit" enough) and his crazy ass ex-girlfriend Ali Wise (who hacked into a bunch of voicemails because she's a crazy ass ex-girlfriend) is going to lockup so he can get some "Crazy poon" as they like to call it. [Page Six]

  • So, scraggly smelly old punk rock legend Patti Smith has two Page Six sightings this week. Two. Patti Smith. Page Six. Excuse me? No, I don't get it, either. At all. One is of her at Da Silvano. The other is that she might be dating Ralph Fiennes. In other news, I just checked to make sure I wasn't painted purple and that my cat I don't own wasn't teething on the ceiling while watching the Jerome Robbins-choreographed musical-movie adaptation of Sophie's Choice because I have no idea what the fuck is going on, here. [Page Six]

So, Page Six really won that one today, no? In other news, HAPPY SECOND NIGHT/THIRD DAY OF HANUKKAH! What'd you get me? I know what I got you! More #IndieRockHanukkah. Hopefully we can educate you about new hip bands like Phoenix and MGMT and Animal Collective and I think you're really gonna love this chick band called the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and this funny group of Canadians who wrote this song that the Talking Heads once covered called "This Must Be The Place." There're like, twenty of them, they're all married, and all of their parents died in a mastadon attack when they were being Canadian ex-pats in Texas: The Arcada Fires. Happy Sunday!

[Photo via Getty Images]