In the same way in which 98% of Americans ply their "Modern Warfare" online rather than joining the Army, we also refuse to work out without the warm, glowing distraction of a video game.

America's greatest golfers, tennis players, and boxers are all now exclusively on Wii Fit. Real sports are not our "thing." Leave it to the Third-Worlders! Kids love those sports video games, for Christmas! It is almost like what was once called "playing," but without the dangers of muscle strain:

According to a recently released study by the American Council on Exercise that measured calories burned using "Wii Fit," the game's simulated activities provided a "a very, very mild workout" compared with their real-life counterparts.

Yes, very mild. It's all part of our society's current War on Fitness, which includes other sensible safety precautions like charging people hundreds of dollars to hold exercise classes on public property and replacing PE classes with "Dance Dance Revolution."

Because USA #1.
[Pic via]