Apparently Esquire's Tom Junod interviewed Carrie Underwood, but instead of printing a profile, they just listed a bunch of quotes under the headline "What I've Learned," and it's the most unintentionally depressing portrait-in-a-series-of-mosaic-like-glimpses ever.

The country music star is all butterflies and Jesus love onstage, but this scintillating Facebook quiz of a listicle is a cry for help from a cold, lonely prison. I am preserving Esquire's boldface formatting, because I find it compelling to read these sentences loud at first then very soft, in your head. (Does everyone do that when they read boldface text?)

  • As you step off that stage, you're pretty much alone.
  • My cell phone is my best friend. It's my lifeline to the outside world.
  • It's hard to find people who don't want something from you.
  • People think, Oh, you travel around, you get to see the country. I've seen basements, I've seen concrete, I've seen pillars.
  • Nobody's going to tell me that my dog doesn't love me.

Who on earth would tell someone that? Is somebody hurting you, Carrie? You're in a safe place, now, you don't have to go back.

  • I can't watch animal movies. I watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua and sobbed, because of all the dogfighting stuff they had in there. This little Chihuahua gets stuck in a Mexican dogfighting ring, and it's supposed to be funny, but oh no, it's not.

Is it even possible to be a starlet without going insane? I'm starting to think not. [Esquire]