That's the normal reaction when Hugh Grant touches your butt, right? Rachel Uchitel finally goes to the press, Rihanna wants to make out with Megan Fox, Ben and Jen mate like bunnies. Wednesday gossip, yours for the taking.

  • Sarah Jessica's Parkers flopped out at the London premiere of Did You Hear About the Morgans?, so she tucked them back in, while Hugh Grant checked that her cheeks stayed in place. What a gentleman. [DailyMail]
  • Rihanna got a new tattoo: "'Never a failure, always a lesson,' but written backwards." [fig.1] So she can read it in the mirror! Or, so next she hooks up with a giant wad of silly putty, she will see it when they peel apart. [OK]
  • Tiger Woods mistress #1, madam Rachel Uchitel, is talking! Apparently this is why she canceled that press conference: Not because Tiger paid her off, but because OK did, for a "world exclusive." [fig.2] The website only has a tease, but if the print version is anywhere close to as vapid—"In every story, you need a villain and a hero"—it won't really matter whether or not you nab a copy at the newsstand today. [OK]
  • Nielsen says the last time Tiger was seen in a primetime TV ad was November 29, the day of his vague public apology. The one straggler was a 30-second spot for Gillette, where heads are probably rolling as we speak. [NYDN]
  • Aubrey O'Day made a play for Samantha Ronson, "grinding her derrier on the glass partition" of Ronson's deejay booth. What is it about that woman that makes mostly-straight girls go gay? [P6]
  • Speaking of Rihanna: She wants to make out with Megan Fox. Asked about her dream acting role, Rihanna reportedly said she'd "love to be an assassin. Either that or a lesbian. Maybe both! Hey, a gay assassin." Asked who she'd want to be her gay assassin's girlfriend: "Megan Fox, hands down. She's yummy. She's hot." [DailyStar]
  • Nicky Hilton's Hollywood manse has been robbed. Among the stolen loot: Lalique crystal and a laptop computer, which is always the first step to the emergence of a sex tape. Not that Nicky has one, just sayin'. [TMZ]
  • Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck mate like rabbits, and are just as fertile. "We were together for a year, and we just started breeding," Garner told W. "We were like, 'Let's have a baby!' And eight days later..." And thus little Violet and little Seraphina came to be. [P6]
  • "Hollywood is full of closet gays," said Colin Firth discussing his gay role in upcoming movie A Single Man. No, he does not name names. And no, there are no gay sex scenes. All talk, no action, that one. [ShowBizSpy]

Figure 1.

Figure 2.