Morning zoo DJ and political nihilist Glenn Beck's stage show The Christmas Sweater, true-fake parableof dreamt-but-real death and being a dick to your grandparents, is destined to be a holiday classic—a Charlie Brown Christmas for the hateful and deranged.

You should probably read the incredible summaries posted by those who witnessed this bizarre celebration of one man's incredibly dysfunctional self-regard. The basic story: Glenn Beck is "Eddie," and he is poor, and his mom makes him a sweater, and then he kills his mom with ingratitude, and then he cries on the floor while a black woman sings at him, and then he runs through a cornfield during a storm, and his mom comes back to life. And then Glenn Beck, who is no longer Eddie, explains that the capitalists at Simon and Schuster forced him to write that terrible dream ending, and in reality, he did kill his real-life mom with ingratitude.

So. Uh. Yes. It is the confession of a damaged depressive masquerading as a heart-warming hacky Xmas tale that has no moral besides "be nice to mom or she will die but she won't really die but yes she will." Merry Christmas, everyone!