What do Lady Gaga, Dan Abrams, Lady Gaga's Penis, and Rachel Sklar have in common with JFK? They're all out to shut down my Macarthur Grant-level work on the Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy. Sklar claims to have done it.

When former MSNBC anchor and media pussyhound Dan "Slim Shady" Abrams opened up shop on both his consulting firm Abrams Research and his blog network (Mediaite and PR Cop), not gonna lie, I didn't think they'd be getting to know Glenn Beck's vagina or Lady Gaga's penis so intimately. I may have finally turned the corner on them!

OR WOULD HAVE had Dan Abrams henchwoman and Mediaite's executive editor Rachel Sklar not tried to ruin my life's work.

What kind of person would do this? A cruel one? Maybe. But the Dan "The Down Donger" Abrams has an entire site devoted to "debunking"—or printing publicist reactions to—celebrity rumors, the majority of which most people don't even give a shit whether or not their true! So this is perfectly in line with their culture of harshing everyone's mellow. And I do mean harshing.

But I have another theory: Rachel, who's basically working nine days a week on Mediaite for Dan, is starting to go insane. The media economy is competitive, goddamnit! But is it too competitive? Observe, her lede:

RA RA RA NA NA NA NA RA NA NA…okay I am maybe a little obsessed with Lady Gaga and her latest single, "Bad Romance," and its crazy, fantastic video filled with crazy, fantastic costumes.

A...little? Sklar's up to 63 screengrabs on this new Lady Gaga video. 63. And you know there's a reason for all of this, don't you? Only an insane person would spend that much time debunking another insane person like me and my insane (BUT TRUE) theory/research on The Facinating Subject that is Lady Gaga's Dick. Her commentary on one of the grabs:

I am amazed that this shot made it past the censors, unusually lingering as it was…it gives you more than enough time to notice the see-through fabric on her black lacy thong…all the way through. Okay, FEK, I think we have pretty conclusive evidence here.

OH, NO YOU DIUNT. SHOTS FIRED, Sklar. And what does she offer up for evidence? This:

But come on. How closely did she look? We used the Gawker PSI (Penis Scene Investigations) Zoom Lens to get a closer look.

You say potato, and I say penis. Unfortunately, I think we may have to close the book on all Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy talk here, before we go too far down the Gaga Hole. This is just going to have to be one of those things like Area 51, where you don't really find out the truth of the matter until the world needs saving, and this is one of those secrets essential to doing so (see: Independence Day, 1996, Dir. Roland Emmerich). Or this is one of those things you don't find out about until the world is actually ending (see: 2012, 2009, Dir. Roland Emmerich). Either way, here's hoping for the safety of the world and the crumbling sanity of Rachel Sklar that Lady Gaga whips out the truth sooner rather than later.