Seven Reasons Why White House Party Crashers are Awesome for America
Everyone needs to stop being so mean. Why aren't our White House Party Crashers being toasted? These guys are awesome...for America. Why?
1. They represent American ingenuity, and the possibility it manifests. Just when you thought you'd never get into a State Dinner: there's hope yet! All you need is to know a few people and fake it till you make it. And ambition! These people actually went through with the mischievous shit you only daydream and giggle about to yourself when you're bored. You want moxie? These creatures bleed it.
2. They've demonstrated and unleashed previously understated powers of Facebook. Remember when your parents first started smokin' the 'Book? It was embarrassing. Humiliating, even. Now, adults might feel slightly more free to put up crazy shit on their Facebook account, which, you know, evens the playing field a little bit. Also, why put out a press release when you can just use the viral autogenius of Facebook? We always kind of knew it to be a press outlet for our overshares, but this just steps the game up to an entirely new level.
3. Diplomats are assholes. Power-corrupt assholes. And this proves it! Diplomats are gonna have to check themselves before they wreck themselves a little more often now, as America's Favorite Party Crashers probably had help on the inside from an Indian ambassador. Did you know! Having diplomatic status basically allows you to get away with everything. Everything! These guys put the "dick" in "dignitary." [Ed. ?!] Forget a fire lane; these guys could park their motorcade on your face and they'd barely be ticketed. It's time we throw down on diplomatic immunity. Somehow, this is all evil John Bolton's fault. It's time to fix it.
4. Reality TV needed some highbrow classing-up. It's here. Seriously: the kind of people who want to get on reality TV, lately? Sociopathic, egomaniacal parents (Richard Heene) and emotionally unstable killers (Ryan Jenkins). The pool of reality television stars comes exclusively from the lowbrow-despicable quadrant. If we don't move up, at least we can move right: towards the brilliant. And aspirations of crashing the state dinner via diplomats is—out of context, Beavis and Butthead-level stupidity—in the context of reality televisions' current state, mindblowingly brilliant. A solid season of these pranksters and desperate social-climbers in The Real Housewives of DC (which the couple was aiming for stardom in at one point) could be a refreshing antidote to the philosophical nuances of NeNe and Danielle Staub.
5. They're keeping us honest. The Secret Service failed. Miserably. And those are your tax-dollars at work, America! It should go without saying—but often doesn't—that, to their credit, a more docile quality control check on the abilities of the Secret Service has never taken place with such tremendous results. Let's say one of these two charmers were psychotic, and went after Somebody Important with a presidential spork: I'm pretty sure, despite letting them in, the Secret Service still would've bent this guy's face up his own ass faster than you can say "colonoscopy." White House Party Crashers: Low Risk, High Yield. America needs more problems like this.
6. They're crazypants freaky! Just like the rest of us. Come on. Hello, huddled masses yearning to breathe free! We all have some kind of freaky weird shit inside, and these people let loose. This country is a melting pot of crazy. We need different spices in it, and occasionally, someone needs to spike the punch with something a little psychedelic (thankfully, they didn't actually do that). But really, first: just look at them. Second: Who crashes a White House State Dinner and puts the pictures on FACEBOOK? Crazy people! Freaky people! People without discretion! And these people aren't just freaky, but are functionally freaky.
7. The White House Party Crashers are American Greatness, incarnate. In the grand tradition of people getting places they don't necessarily belong, they've set the bar, there's not much else higher than this. Maybe karaoke with Kim Jong-Il. Maybe. But nobody got hurt, and these guys crashed a state dinner! Again, sure: they exposed a massive hole in our national security, will cause diplomatic stresses, are going to cost taxpayers a shitload of money, maybe put some Americans in an unnecessary state of fear, dominated a news cycle when there're surely more important issues to be discussed, and stripped even further bare the terrifying ethos of people who desperately want to be famous in America by clearly blacking out any and all rational thought, but come on. This was epic. As President Jimmy Carter once noted, "If you fear making anyone mad, then you ultimately probe for the lowest common denominator of human achievement." These Party Crashers deserve our highest regards. They are freaky, weird, awe-inspiring hot messes. In whatever era we live in, there are far worse things to aspire to than meeting our country's leaders....asking for hundreds of thousands of dollars for their story, and then dissing them on Facebook.
Yeah, they're assholes. People are ridiculous. Shine on, you crazy diamonds. Shine on.