Thanks to the recession-era glut of job-seekers, Starbucks barista jobs now require a postgraduate degree. But you shouldn't worry about that, because you can no longer even get into community college.
In much the same way that "emergency fallback" jobs have now become aspirational, emergency fallback schools are now out of reach for you, the average jerk. The New York Times reports that whereas NYC's six f'n humongous two-year colleges have always accepted everyone, at all times in the past, now they've had to put early deadlines on enrollment and turn thousands of applicants away. "I've never seen anything like this," says Laguardia CC president Gail O. Mellow. "We used to pretty much be an open door."
Unemployment is the new underemployment, and a G.E.D. is the new associate's degree. And associate degrees are the new bachelor's degrees, and bachelor's degrees are totally worthless.