Heidi got some puppies for her birthday, but that's not enough. She has her prop neighbor child over to try to convince Spencer it's time to have kids. We know she's not ready, but she's already practicing by telling stories.
That's right, she's been weaving fairy tales for little Enzo next door, and entertaining him when she's not using him to manipulate others or completely ignoring him because she's fighting with her mess of a husband. Let's listen to what our little Snow White tells the kid while they're hanging out in her glass coffin.
"There was once a pretty, pretty princess who lived in a far away land called Realitytelevasia. She had long hair and was really thin and dreamed of having a recording contract. Her name was Heidi, and one day she met a magical traveling salesman, Spencer. He had blond hair and a bad attitude and he told Princess Heidi that he could make all her dreams come true. They got married and moved to the jungle with a bunch of other princes and princesses, but they hated it there, so they left and claimed that they were abused so that people wouldn't think they were stupid.
When they got back to Realitytelevaisa, Princess Heidi found out that Spencer had some magical juice and it would give her babies and take all her troubles away. But if he gave up the juice, then Spencer would be trapped with Princess Heidi for life and he would have to give up all the fun things he loved like drinking 40s, hanging with his bros, and hitting golf balls in the back yard. So, one day he snuck out of his glass castle in the sky and went to go see an evil ogre who he thought could turn the juice off. He said that he could, but it would be very painful and he would ruin Salesman Spencer's goods for life, and that he would never get his juice back again.
He thought about how mad Princess Heidi would be if he shut the juice off for good, because an ancient curse said that if she didn't have the juice by the time she was 30, then she would turn into an awful screaming wombat and would eat Salesman Spencer limb from limb. He left the ogre and went back to the glass castle and when he saw Princess Heidi she was with her favorite munchkin who had been following Salesman Spencer all along. The muchkin told the princess about the trip to the ogre and she got very upset. "What do you mean you want to your juice to dry up? I want the juice!" she screamed. "I want you to have the juice, and I would love to give it to you," Spencer said, "but not now." "Give me the juice! I must have it! I must spawn!" she screamed as her voice lowered an octave and she grabbed onto shirt shaking him. "No, you can't have the juice," he said.
"You will give me the juice!" Princess Heidi ordered, waving her magic want at Spencer's crotch. From it grew an enormous vine that went all the way up into the clouds. Princess Heidi climbed all the way up to the top of the vine hoping to find a pot of magical baby juice for her to drink, but it wasn't there.
Instead, she found a poor washerwoman named Kristin, who told Princess Heidi that she was dating a prince, but he got turned into a frog by his ex-girlfriend the Awful Audrina. Now Washerwoman Kristin was lonely. But she found a new prince named Brody. They had danced at a ball a few times, and the prince had been held captive for many years by a tranny troll named the Jayde Dragon. Prince Brody had finally escaped the dragon's clutches and had run for the washerwoman.
Kristin loved the prince more than she loved separating whites from darks and wanted very much to marry the Prince so she's never have to wash again. She demanded to go visit with the Queen, the prince's mother. The queen has been placed under a magic spell that permanently made her skin brown, her lips plump, her hair blonde, and her waist thin. To make the spell work, she had sold all of her brains personality. But the spell did work, but when Kristin tried to talk to her, all she did was giggle and drool on herself from inside her hollow plastic shell. But the Queen gave her consent to the Prince's union with the washerwoman, even though the Prince still had to agree.
They left her palace and went to a ball in a magical land where woman hang from hoops in the sky and there are tiny little jugs of ale that make all the men and women beautiful and make them misbehave spectacularly. Just as the Prince and WW Kristin were starting to get close, the Jayde Dragon flew in with her minions. "How dare you get close to my man," she bellowed as fire came out of her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here with your minions," the washerwoman said. But the Jayde Dragon has the shape of a woman and the strength of a man, so she did not listen. She just shoved her tiny talons at the Washerwoman and tried to pluck her eyes out.
But suddenly the Prince got on his steed and rode away. It seems that, even though he lives in the great kingdom of Realitytelevasia he is deathly allergic to drama. His eyes start to puff up and his throat starts to close when he was exposed to it. When the epic battle between the Jayde Dragon and poor washerwoman Kristin broke out, it sent him into a life-threatening attack. The next morning, he realized how weak he looked and went to get his knickers cleaned at Kristin's house. He told her that he was done with the Jayde Dragon and her evil clutches for good, but he had to be with someone who could keep him free from the evil stench of dangerous drama for the rest of his life. Kristin thought that might be a problem, especially since Frog Justin Bobby was about to be ribbiting in her doorway again.
As this was happening, Frog Justin Bobby was sharing a meal with the Awful Sorceress Audrina, who derives all her strength from her tiny little eyes. They used to be a couple, but the sorceress tired of his well-coiffed beauty and cast him back into the world for other women to claim. But once they had him, she wanted him back. It's always the way with those magical sorceresses. Glinda was the same way! So, to keep him from dating washerwoman Kristin, she put a curse on Prince Justin and turned him into a frog. Kristin sent him back to the sorceress to be fixed, and she turned him back into a man, and gave him a shave and a haircut for good measure.
But now that he was returned to his true shape, he didn't want to stay with Awful Audrina anymore. He wanted to be back with Kristin, because he would much rather be with someone crazy who lives by the sea than someone who is crazy and lives not by the sea. He's a surfing prince, and he needs to be close to the waves. So he tells Awful Audrina that her hexes will not work on him anymore, and, even if he is still a frog, he is going to hop back to the ocean to be with Kristin.
She slams down her magic wand and says, "Fine!" and then hops on her broom to fly off into the sunset. All the way she cries tears, beautiful magical tears that Princess Heidi collects in a bucket. They are even more powerful than the juice of any traveling salesman, and she will use those tears to create a life of happiness for herself and all the creatures of Realitytelevasia.