Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to make an outfit for a pop star, the delusion she wants to look like Cleveland's worst drag queen. The vision to reward talent, the delusion that it matters.
Yes, last night was another shocking episode of Project Runway. No, Lifetime didn't stop airing lady vitamin commericals and we didn't have both of the judges, but for the second week in a row, the elimination was a bit surprising. We will get there soon enough, but before that we have so much to discuss, like another "Here's some money go buy some shit and make a dress" challenge. But this one starred Cher's main bedazzler, Bob Mackie, and all the kids making a dress for Christina Aguillera. When they find out they're working for her, they jump up and down like a good bunch of trained monkeys or a group of gay boys in 2002. It's all very exciting.
Things We Hated:
- This Space is Reserved for Bitching About Judges: Finally, finally we got back Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine. But that means that Michael Kors was missing. Are these two feuding or something? Give us back our fucking judges. Actually, I was a little sad that Nina was back, because I actually wanted to see either Vice Principal Glassner or Second Assistant Headmistress Roberts last night, because I finally decided I was going to call them "Pinta" and "Santa Maria" becuase, they came after Nina and aren't as cool. Then Nina sails back from judging an indigenous peoples' beauty contest in 1492 and ruins my joke. Ugh.
- Heidi's Pants: If you ever want to know what a slutty biker chick from hell looks like, it was Heidi during her first appearance yesterday wearing a pair of red leather pants with black scrawl all over them. Not only was the crotch insane (as an absent Ms. Kors would say), but they were totally nasty. Heidi actually bought these at Britney Spear's yard sale. Heidi was all "These are great, why are you getting rid of them?" And Britney said, "I've never worn them. I think they're too trashy." There you have it.
- Immunity: Gordana should have gone home last night for that thing that looked like her model took a gigantic dump in her sequined diaper. Adult baby is never sexy, no matter what your husband's favorite website tells you. But no, she had immunity. Nicolas should have gone home last week for his pool of Ent vomit, but immunity saved him too. Now it's off the table for the rest of the season and we can send some jokers home.
- Old Hollywood Glamor: Stop trying to channel it. It is not going to happen. And no one wants to look old. This is fashion, it's about making something new. Stop trying, and get some originality. That means you, Shirina.
- Carol Hannah and Logan: Not only are we over our ex-boyfriend Logan, but we are over the show trying to make him out to be some sexy Lothario. Didn't we see the exact same "Carol Hannah thinks he's sexy" segment a few weeks back? We get it. He's hot, and straight, and all the ladies love him. Giggle, giggle.
- The Boys: Christopher, Logan, and Nicolas all suck. Usually there is a fair balance of (gay) male and female talent on the show, but this time around, the ladies are smoking the guys. Did they do this for Lifetime's benefit?
- The Great Orange Plague of 2009: The judges need to get some designer swine flu maskes, proto (we're amazed that Louis Vuitton hasn't already come out with these, they'd be huge in the Asian market). The great orange infection is spreading, and Queen Tangerine Michael Kors wasn't even around this week. However, Bob Mackie got the infection from sitting in his chair, and he passed it on to Heidi, NGFDMCM, and Christina Aguillera. If Tim shows up next episode looking any shade darker than his usual death pallor, we're calling the World Health Organization.
- Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine's Necklace: Is this what they gave you for sitting on the Miss New World pageant's dais? It was huge and ugly. We thought it was either an anchor to keep her from floating away or some sort of boomerang weapon that she was going to take off, swing around her head, and let go, flinging it in the direction of any outfit that bored her, knocking it off the runway and then screeching back into her hand for the next assault. Whatever it was, it was definitely hideous, even for Chicos.
Things We Loved:
- Bob Mackie's Dresses: The little exhibit of his fashions they took the designers to was seriously awesome. Bob Mackie may be over the top and crazy, but he has made some great show pieces in his day. Too bad none of these designers could live up to him, but how could you. And how did they get through the whole episode without one mention of the Carol Burnett Curtain Rod Dress? Mackie was also a great judge. He was orange, bitchy, and loved to look at the models' asses. Wait, are he and Ms. Kors the same person?
- Bitchy Tim: We hated this a few weeks ago, but we have learned to love Tim, who is the bomb. This week he had all sorts of harsh criticism for this bunch of marginally-talented sewers (yes, they are both people who sew and underground channels for human refuse). At this point in the season it's obvious that Tim is sick of L.A., that he thinks all these designers are hacks, and he just can't want to get back to New York so that he can spend a week straight sitting in Marie's Crisis singing show tunes and bitching about how there isn't a good piano bar for miles in L.A.
- "Just Put Some Diamonds on the Crotch and You're Home Free": That is Bob Mackie's fashion advice. This man shits sparkles and his pubic hair is made out of maribu. Live his fantasy!
- Saw VI: This movie got hip to the fact that the ladeez love horror movies and they are advertising on Lifetime during Runway. Strangely enough, watching the people react to torture is exactly what it sounds like in my living room every Thursday while we sit through countless commercials for lady vitamins, pee sticks, cleaning supplies, and Sorority Wars.
So, in the end, it was Shirina who went home for trying to channel "Old Hollywood Glamor" and winding up with something that looked like a dizzy whirling Dervish stuck in a blender. It was bad. Still, Shirina had come up with some good looks in the past, unlike Christopher, who has been floundering after a strong early showing. This is his third trip to the bottom in three weeks. Christopher, we know what your bad luck charm is and it is attached to your face. Shave it off. These were by far the worst two of the evening, barring Geordana's which was a sight so horrible that she should have had her immunity revoked and been sent home anyway. You know Ms. Kors would have demanded it if she were there.
We were fans of Our Girl Althea's silver sequined number, even though the train was too long. Carol Hannah deserved the win for her all-black sequin and feather number, though we bet it looked even better in person. This really did Mackie proud. We didn't think that Logan's was that horrible, and neither was Fat Kurt Cobain's. It was a retread (but none of the judges would know that, because none of them were there the last time he made this outfit), but it was something that Christina Aguilera really would have worn. A begrudging good job, Kurt.
Want to see more bitchy Irina, crazy contestants, and one of Tim Gunn's best take downs of all time? Then slip into this sparkly video number. You'll look just like Cher at the Oscars!
Under the Gunn
Context: Christopher tells Tim about his drag queen moment for Christina, and Tim is concerned it is ugly.
Vision: "Remember that time in Minneapolis where Shaleda Henry came out wearing this crazy black coat and then took it off and had sparkle panties and a corset on underneath? That was fierce."
Delusion: That anyone wants to look like a drag queen. Not even drag queens want to look like drag queens!
What Would Nina Say: "I wouldn't even wear that on a dare!"
The World's Most Boring Asylum
Context: Gordana hiding from her heinous creation and everyone behaving crazy in the workroom.
Vision: The producers think they can show how the pressure is making everyone crack. So dramatic! And wild!
Delusion: Really, it's just some people giggling, putting fabric on their heads, and wheeling around mannequins. They don't need medication. Like a whiny four year old, they just need some cookies and a nap.
What Would Nina Say: "Never in my life have I behaved this way."
The Bitch Edit
Context: The Bitch Edit is a phenomenon discovered by our perilous live blogger MisterHippity, who noticed that, all of the sudden, the show is turning Irina into a villain of the highest order.
Vision: The producers suddenly discovered that there is no one to hate, and they are including every one of her mean comments on the show.
Delusion: We do not hate her. We applaud this, because we can't be the only one hating on this show.
What Would Nina Say: "Why do they always call women like us a (makes air quotes) 'bitch?'"
Context: Carol Hannah stops making kissy face with Logan long enough to watch her dress walk down the runway.
Vision: To have no clue what you're doing, buy a bunch of fabric, and try to pull something off based only on skill.
Delusion: Usually this is the biggest delusion of all, but CH pulls it off. Good job.
What Would Nina Say: "I like it, but it won't read on TV. I don't read at all. It hurts my eyes."
Context: Christopher tries to defend the outfit that should have sent him home. He gets savaged. At least he's stopped crying when he's on the bottom.
Vision: That if he says the designers hurt his pride, they'll stop making fun of him.
Delusion: Sorry, Chris, the only way they're going to leave you alone is if you start making something good again.
What Would Nina Say: See for yourself.
The Cruelty of Life as Illustrated by Models of the Runway