Five years ago today, a luminous young producer at Fox News named Andrea Mackris enriched all of our lives just a little bit by suing a lecherous fathead named Bill O'Reilly for trying to rub falafel on her private parts.
[T]the Fox News Channel host was named in a sexual harassment lawsuit brimming with lurid details about vibrators, phone sex, threesomes, masturbation, Caribbean shower fantasies, a Thai sex show, falafel, stewardess trysts, vehicular coupling, and Al Franken.
Everyone celebrates Loofah Day in their own way, but we like to pull out the sacred text and read aloud from its most memorable and moving passage—a transcript of O'Reilly's late-night 2004 monologue to Mackris, delivered during the Republican National Convention, while he was watching a porno:
So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples hard, kinda' kissing your neck from behind... and then I would take the other hand with the falafel [sic] thing and I'd put it on your pussy but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business....
So what happened to the old loofah gang, anyway? Well, Mackris and O'Reilly settled their lawsuit within two weeks of its filing. O'Reilly somehow summons up a titanic lack of self-awareness every night that allows him to talk about David Letterman and Eliot Spitzer's transgressions, and Mackris moved to St. Louis, where, The Smoking Gun has found, she was recently named one of the city's best-dressed by St. Louis Magazine. She seems like she has a lot of money, that she somehow got from someone! Among her favorite designers, according to the magazine: Prada, Christian Loubouton, Alexander McQueen, and Dolce & Gabbanna.
Mackris doesn't need to work, apparently, but in her free time, she is a member of the contemporary council at the Contemporary Art Museum of St. Louis and "volunteers at Planned Parenthood." Living well is the best revenge, but helping people get abortions when the guy who kept trying to get in your pants hates abortions is awesome, too.