We as Americans are not in the shape we once (1942) were. Is it possible to "lose" the accumulated weight of decades of Cap'n Crunch, Nestle Quik, and Quarter Pounders? America's willing to give it a shot. With crazy schemes.

  • Posting Calorie Counts on All Restaurant Menus: NYC Overseer and Lord Michael Bloomberg has tried this, but a new study says people are actually eating more at fast food outlets since the calorie postings went up.
  • Banning Fast Food Restaurants Altogether: They want to do this is South Los Angeles, at least until enough health food stores open up to even things out. Researchers say it won't accomplish anything.
  • Fewer Junk Food Snacks in Schools: The CDC now says fewer American schools are selling candy and soda! Nevertheless—although the American school system produces more NBA players than any other nation's—American kids are only fit in their video game avatars. In real life they are not fit, but rather unfit.
  • The Biggest Loser: It's not just a disturbing television show any more—now it's a franchise with cookbooks, a Wii fitness game, and even a god damn "Biggest Loser Resort" weight loss spa where you pay money to go live the life of a loser. Unless 300 million of us can fit in there, it's just a tiny chocolate chip on the vast sea of frosting that is American obesity.

America needs to stop thinking it's all about a number on a scale, and start looking at the big picture: Its 20-rep squat max.