Project Runway: Judge Not, Lest Ye be Judged
Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision to make a great costume, the delusion the judges won't call it costumey. The vision to have judges in the first place, the delusion that they will show up.
Ugh, don't even get us started on Ms. Kors and Nina Garcia Fashion Director of Marie Claire Magazine. They are the laziest people on all of reality television and that includes the dolts on Big Brother who have nothing to do but lie around in a house for three months and pick stupid fights with each other. Instead, let us focus on the positive, because last night was the second good episode in a row! We've finally gotten to the point where most of the dead weight is gone and there is time to learn about the designers and who they are and how they work.
The producers also came up with another good challenge, even though it was of the "go to Mood and buy the fabric" variety, at least everyone had to work within a movie genre. Designers had to make an outfit for a character in an imaginary film and come up with a silly story for who their character was. Considering a noted fashion designer once told us that the inspiration for his collection that season was "a bohemian girl's aristocratic grandmother dies and she goes to the estate house she just inherited and throws a huge part for all her friends," this could come in handy in the real world.
Things We Hated:
- The Fucking Judges: OK, now we're getting started. Ms. Kors and NGFDMCM didn't show up again. This is Nina's third consecutive absence and Ms. Kors has been gone since the fourth episode of season three. Here is why this is pissing me off this week. All Runway fans were a little wary of this season, on a new network and by new producers. We were talking about how it was going to suck and how it would be all different before the season even aired. We needed our bitchy guides to help us navigate our way through the storm. And where are they? They're not here! We are adrift. And if the people who work for this show can't be bothered to show up for it, then why the hell should we? Let's just give up like Queen Tangerine and his bitchy lady in waiting. We can always watch the Real Housewives of Atlanta instead and Nene wouldn't give up being on camera for a whole mountain of leprechaun's gold.
- Vice Principal Glassner: I did not have to look up Zoe Glassner's name or how to spell it this week. That annoyed me. Also, she is boring. Same goes for John Varvatos, who is supposed to be the rock 'n' roll designer, but he was more like an ambient trance remix of an Air Supply song.
- Fat Kurt Cobain: Nicolas is slimy. He is gross and slimy and he talks shit about the other contestants. We usually love that, but when he does it, it sort of feels like he's the shifty guy in prison who thinks he's so much better than everyone even though his fat face and limp hair look just as bad in an orange jumpsuit.
- Collier Strong: Every year the makeup man comes to work his wonders. We do not like him because he is neither crazy nor mean. If you can't be one of these, then you must go back to civilian life and leave reality TV alone. Also, he looks like a gay John Locke from Lost.
- Carol Hannah: Bitch, you better step the fuck off my man. I swear to God, I will steal all your bobbins and make your life a living hell. And while you're at it, pick a name. You only get one. Just ask Epperson.
- Liking Straight People: Call it homosexual bias or what you will, but I always root for the gay people to win reality shows. Usually they lose, cause there is only one or two, but on Runway there is a fighting chance they could win, since every contestant with a penis has had another man's in his hand at some point. This year, the straight guys are far better than the gays. I am in lust with Logan, who is an adequate designer with a slamming body. Epperson is wise like a black fashion Merlin when they don't put him on mute. I'm starting to think that Christopher is straight too, because it is not physically possible for a God-fearing homosexual to shave a chin strap onto his face. My ex-boyfriend tried once and some reflex on the gay gene kicked in and made him slit his throat instead. Now he is dead.
Things We Loved:
- Heidi's Blue Dress: Usually Heidi dresses like shit and is pregnant, so we don't pay much attention to her. Last night when she introduced the challenge she had on this awesome formfitting navy dress that blew us away. Way to dress, Heidi. Since you're the only judge at least we know you have some fashion credibility.
- The Guest Judge: Following in the footsteps of that bitchy lady who tried to steal Logan and Eva Longoria-Parker, costume designer Arianne Phillips was a revelation last night. She was knowledgeable, fair, and gave an honest appraisal of how the costumes would actually work in a movie. Sarah Jessica Parker must have farted in that chair, cause everyone who has been in it this season has worn her stink well.
- Old Hollywood Glamour: No one used the most cliched and meaningless of all fashion phrases! In a challenge about the movies! The restraint is amazing.
- Christopher: He turns it out every week. This week's creation was another stunner. And he's cute. If he shaved his face, we'd even let Carol Hannah have Logan and run away with him and have a Vampire wedding in Massachusetts or Bon Temps where such things are legal.
- DVR: Watching the Lifetime version of Runway without its lady vitamin and pee stick commercials was a wonderful blessing. But now we can't pick on their crappy commercials!
So, in the end, it was Ra'Mon and his superfluous apostrophe that got sent home. We were a little shocked. We thought Kenly Jr.'s bangs were going to have to get back in her time machine and travel back to the era that she designs from, but she was spared to accuse people of stealing her bobbins another day. Even her boring time warp weren't as bad as Ra'Mon's sci-fi outfit that looked like a stupid sorority girl trying to rock a Sexy Sleestak (Skeezestak?) costume for Halloween.
Fat Kurt was the winner, and we can't disagree, though we would have given the title to either Christopher, whose crazy vampire bride inspired period costume was amazing in its ruffled majesty. Epperson made the most of getting stuck with the Western category and made this awesome ruffley denim thing with a big brown belt that looked like it could have won an Oscar for Renee Zellweger in Cold Mountain. We say this every week, but Our Girl Althea's simple film noir number with a cute white shrug made us want to rent Double Indemnity. Irina did a great job on her lacy gown that made us notice how hot a model's ass was. Now that is a miracle.
To inspect some other little miracles and watch Ra'Mon's slide into Skeezstak shame, to the videos.....
Give Me, Give Me Back My Man
Context: Carol Hannah and her 17 names are trying to steal Logan.
Vision: That we are going down without a fight.
Delusion: Sorry, sweetie, but Logan is a monogamist. He is not going to have a threeway with both Carol and Hannah.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'Don't mess with him.'"
Under the Gunn
Context: Ra'Mon wants to make a crazy lizard jumpsuit, and Tim Gunn lets him know that it's going to be a big fat mess. Or beautiful. Maybe.
Vision: That it will be beautiful.
Delusion: A green leather jumpsuit? Come on. Winning with a jumpsuit on Project Runway is like winning with a deep-fried turd ceviche on Top Chef.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'I don't like green.'"
Meltdown of the Week
Context: Ra'Mon finally figures out that his jumpsuit is a delusional idea and that he only has two hours to make something that won't get him laughed out of this dimension.
Vision: That he can make something great in two hours and repeat his upset victory when he pulled that gored squid outfit out of his ass in the surf challenge. Remember that bitchy judge with the crazy accent who got fired from Elle really liked it. What was her name?
Delusion: That the Skeezstak is any better.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'I'd rather eat a fried turd ceviche.'"
Context: Christopher watches his sexy Van Helsing creation saunter down the runway.
Vision: Merchant/Ivory does Twilight. Brilliant.
Delusion: That he will actually beat Fat Kurt's feathered icicle.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'Almost good enough to win.'"
Context: Louise tries to explain her limp dress. Then she says that she's glad that she's in either the top or the bottom because this is the first feedback she's gotten.
Vision: The '20s by the way of the '40s? Does she realize how retarded she sounds? Also, that something that these sad replacements have to say will actually save her. Well, maybe it does.
Delusion: Oh, Kenley Jr. Feedback isn't going to save you. Maybe having a better vision will.
What Would Vice Principal Glassner Say: "I wrote down, 'Keep poisoning Nina's coffee so I can continue to be on TV.'"
The Cruelty of Life as Chronicled on Models of the Runway