World's most powerful newspaper gossip column seeks promising scandalmonger among unwashed Twitter hoardes to replace second in command. Willingness to smear boss' enemies a must, as is an ability to hold your liquor and hang out in strip clubs.

Anyone who might conceivably write "I will break your back over my knee in the press... you little tiny fairy... I break aging trust fund pussies like you as a matter of course" in an email need not apply.

For historical reasons, we simply cannot consider any candidates in a fedora at this time. Likewise, if you think it is in any way appropriate for someone to "sponsor" a cocktail party for a gossip writer, please stop reading right now.

If you have the right name, we might be able to write your contributions for you, provided you promise to never subsequently turn around and act outraged that we write your contributions for you.

Job might include occasional grooming of supervisor's beard. Please send resumé by FAX; a functional knowledge of the internet is discouraged.