Ah, Columbia J-School, the antiquated educational institution where the young and naive go to chase their crazy Woodward and Bernstein dreams. Sadly, the students there are an unsanitary horde of crumb-infested vagabonds, according to a school memo forwarded to us.

The following scathing anti-grime manifesto was written by Jeffrey Sieben, the IT/Web Manager at the Columbia Journalism Grad School, and sent out via email yesterday morning:

Dear Students,

There have been some comments related to the cleanliness of labs. I
want to state that all labs are cleaned and disinfected on a rotating
schedule, however the primary reason for their sometimes brow raising
appearance is food in the labs.

Any food or drinks at computer workstations is prohibited, there is no
exception. Please keep it at the center table during your busy work

Some amount of grime will of course accumulate through normal usage of
public computers however compounded by deliberate food at the stations
is inconsiderate to your fellow students.

Please be considerate and help keep our labs clean! Additionally,
sanitary wipes are available in all the labs should you require extra

Please send me an email if you have any concerns or are thinking about
calling the CDC.

Take care,

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with you kids at Columbia? Can't you eat your damn Funyuns and drink your damn Pepsi Max in the quad? Who the hell do you think you all are, James Franco or something?!