After torturing rhesus monkeys for decades with extremely low-calorie diets, scientists have finally proven that eating less can help primates (you) live longer. And the United States of America has proven that eating more kills you quick. Related: Donut Wars!!

These scientist-sadists had monkeys eat 30% fewer calories than normal for twenty fucking years, and found that "37 percent of the comparison monkeys have so far died in ways judged to be due to old age, compared with 13 percent of the dieting group." So you're three times less likely to die quite so soon, in exchange for a lifetime of hunger. Great.

Scientists know that actual humans won't stick to a diet like this so they're trying to find some chemicals that might mimic the effect of the diet, and the closest they've come so far is red wine. Yea, that's more our speed.

Meanwhile, in the mightiest city in the mightiest country on earth: Dunkin Donuts is taking on Tim Hortons Donuts in a Donut War so consequential it is covered in our city's largest newspapers, complete with analysis of Munchkins vs. Timbits, and which type of fried ball we, as New Yorkers, prefer to wrap our mouths around.

That's why America rules the world and monkeys live in cages being tortured by scientists, who are probably fat American blubbermonsters. Besides, maximum caloric intake is a key factor in total domination: