Levi Johnston, noted Palin daughter-nailer, has hired Tank Jones, "a size-58 suit-wearing black man," to manage his career and be his bodyguard. He's also developed an alter ego to help him destroy his Wasilla-ness and fully embrace douchedom—"Ricky Hollywood."

You just knew this was coming, right? Sooner or later you just knew that the sweet and hopelessly ignorant kid from the Alaskan tundra who just wanted to float aimlessly through life hunting, fishing, playing hockey and banging chicks, would have his life destroyed by the sudden fame that came with having knocked up the daughter of the most ridiculous American public figure in the history of ridiculous American public figures. So very sad.

Renata Espinosa of The Daily Beast went shopping recently with Levi and his newly hired manager/bodyguard, an Anchorage-based lawyer, in Los Angeles, where they were "fielding pitches" for acting and reality show gigs or something.

Besides acting as Levi's handler, Tank is his personal Tim Gunn and Henry Higgins all in one, instructing him on the subtleties of wearing a fedora and reminding him to be open-minded about the different types of people he might encounter. Tank is the ultimate 21st-century version of an American father: multicultural and media-savvy.

Like the time Levi appeared on The Tyra Banks Show, with his mother and sister, and had to get his hair and makeup done, Tank had to remind Levi to relax.

"That was the worst," Levi tells me. "I had some dude singing to me, the whole time. He was real happy. Calling me ‘baby' and all that. I kept my mouth shut."

"I told him, you're going to meet all different types of people," interjects Tank. "Don't overreact. Nobody's going to hurt you. You gotta be accepting of all different types of people. You're talking about dealing with Hollywood? You're going to really meet some strange people."

To help Levi morph into the epic tool he needs to become if he has any hope of making it in Hollywood, Tank came up with the "Ricky Hollywood" idea.

Just so you're clear, when Levi Johnston is in L.A. with Tank and running around shopping with a reporter, trying on sequined jackets and pink fedoras and wearing bedazzled T-shirts that say "Go Girl" on them, that's not Levi you're seeing.

"What we did was, we came up with an alter ego, Ricky Hollywood," explains Tank. "Ricky Hollywood would iron his shirt." Levi looks at Tank and raises his eyebrows. "Yeah, right!" he says. "OK, well, I'd iron it. He doesn't know how to iron."

"We're not going to find my style out here," says Levi rather contentiously.

"Oh, yes, we will," says Tank. "We're going to find Ricky's style!"

No!!!! Just let Levi be Levi dammit and wear his jeans and t-shirts and baseball caps! He's been through enough—Leave him alone!

When asked by Espinosa about the Palin/Letterman controversy, Levi said that he didn't "think that David was trying to advocate any sexual misconduct of any nature."

You see—Levi actually gets it and is probably the only normal player in the whole Palin clown show. Leave him alone!

Shopping With Levi Johnston [Daily Beast]