It's 9:30 PM, do you know where your biological clock is? Phyllis Nefler does. It's somewhere in the Weddings and Celebrations section of the Sunday 'New York Times,' and TICKING LIKE THIS. Pledge Phy Nef and watch the score:

So like, this weekend's Styles section was a bit of a downer, no? Dead blogs and backup plans and a Modern Love trying to sell us on arranged marriages. And then, next to photos of pleasant-albeit-bland couples celebrating their joy was a buzzkill article lamenting the ability of gay couples to get a divorce in New York despite not being allowed to marry here in the first place. And so we learn that the gays continue to destroy the institution of marriage by acting exactly like the straights:

"Before Tom Hroncich of Islip, N.Y., could marry a second time in January, he had to get a divorce from a previous longtime partner, whom he declined to identify to spare him further grief. The couple had legally married when same-sex rights were extended in Canada in 2004. Their enthusiasm over the fact that they could marry was not matched by what was happening in their private lives. "It wasn't so blissful," he said. He thought the sanctity of an official marriage would "help the relationship." When it didn't, they separated."

He should have at least tried an unplanned pregnancy before giving up!

Speaking of children, I am preemptively jealous of any future ones belonging to Samantha Schmidtt and James Kennedy.

Shot Through The Heart

James is an incredibly kind and understanding looking fifth grade teacher, and Samantha works at "Sesame Workshop, the nonprofit educational organization in New York that supports Sesame Street." [Ed. Further 'Street reading here.] Honestly, they must be so NICE! I'd also like to leverage this platform to make a request that Sesame Street get back to producing hardhitting exposes of commodity market conditions set to free jazz arrangements like this one from a past life:

Another pair whose children are going to be better and blonder and more loved than yours is Joy Fahrenkrog and Timothy Foster.

Joy is a US Olympic archer whose outside interest in rowing led her to meet Timothy, the Winklevossian head coach of the Swiss national rowing team. After dating in London while Joy, then a Skidmore student, was there on a year abroad, the couple couldn't do the distance thing (who can?) and ultimately split. Luckily, though: Facebook and the Olympics!

"In 2008, Mr. Foster was in Beijing for the Olympics. Flipping through a magazine, he recognized Ms. Fahrenkrog in an advertisement for Polo Ralph Lauren. Mr. Foster sent her a message on Facebook, and learned that she was in Beijing working for The Olympic News Service. They agreed to meet, and over the next two weeks - which included a dinner of silkworms and cicadas - their romance was rekindled. Mr. Foster proposed at midnight in a paddleboat in Beijing."

Ah, the midnight paddleboat proposal. It's no kayaks and dolphins but nice symbolism with the rowing and all. (The Times writers lose major points for neglecting to make the groaner allusion to Cupid's arrow anywhere in the piece.)

Elsewhere in country houses and hotel ballrooms this weekend, a gay 72 year old priest married a retired math teacher he met roughly half a decade ago, the progeny of the Car Talk guys on NPR stepped out of his fiance's dreams, and a couple managed to out-unique-snowflake the precious pair depicted in the current Sam Mendes/Dave Eggers opus Away We Go. (She popped the question, he is the CEO of a "New York clothing firm that sells unmatched socks in vibrant color-coordinated patterns", they bash a pinata shaped like a wedding cake at the reception, Maccu Pichu is involved.)

What is the female form of scion? This is a question that oft presents itself during a scan of the weekly Vows. I thus decree: scionne. There are two scionesses featured this weekend (that's the plural form), both great-great-granddaughters of New York City luminaries. (I'm not sure whether I even have a great-great-grandfather.) Which bride's family has given more for us?

Sage Lehman and Christopher Ronis

Couple was married at couple's country house: +3
Bride was an assistant to Woody Allen: +2
The bride is a descendent of Cornelius Vanderbilt, which by extension means she is a relative of Anderson Cooper: +6
The bride is a great-great-grandaughter of Mayer Lehman, a founder of Lehman brothers: +3
The bride is keeping her name (this is typically negative points but sticking with the ghost of an erstwhile financial powerhouse is honorable): +1
The bride's father "was from 1985 to 1993 the commissioner of the New York State Office of Parks, Recreation, and Historic Preservation": +2
The couple has no photo, which is so old money of them: +5

Clelia Peters and Blake Suttle

Couple was married at bride's parent's country house: +1
The groom's name is Kenwyn Blakeslee Suttle: +2
The couple graduated from Yale (+7) and have a Columbia MBA (+3) and a PhD in integrative biology from the University of California at Berkeley (+1) among them: +11
Groom's parents both work at Yale and the wedding was officiated by Yale University provost Peter Salovey: +3
"The bride is a great-great-granddaughter of the financier Felix M. Warburg and Frieda Schiff Warburg, whose Fifth Avenue mansion is now the Jewish Museum. (+3) The bride is a great-great-great-granddaughter of the New York banker and philanthropist Jacob H. Schiff and of Abraham Abraham (!), a founder of the Abraham & Straus department stores.": +6
TOTAL: 23. By the way, they have one of those video interview things up at the TImes. It's the first time I've ever actually clicked on one, and it's disarmingly delightful. Mazel!