For as long as mankind has occupied New York, there have been two Starbucks locations on Astor Place, a block away from each other, which occasioned many predictable remarks. No more! This means everything.

The thing is that both of these Starbucks were always fucking packed. Packed with the same people who would always be like "Starbucks right next to another Starbucks, WTF, they're taking over, corporate bullshit, etc." People like us! But those fucking Starbucks just kept on making money, money, money.

Or so one would think! But now the big ass location on Astor and Third Ave. is closing down. We knew SBUX was having trouble, but this—this is the end of the world as we know it. If you lived in New York during the NEW GILDED AGE of the mid-to-late 00's, you'll always remember those two Starbucks, a mere block away from each other, standing astride the East Village like living "Fuck You"'s to anyone nostalgic for the heroin and Bob Dylan and Basquiat and all that other romantic shit. Starbucks, baby. Suck my latte. Now there's only one Astor Place location left, dangling all alone, like Lance Armstrong's last testicle.

Starbucks, you bastard. You are Cobra Commander to our G.I. Joe. It wasn't your presence that destroyed our rage against the machine. It's your absence. What do we hate now? Coldstone?