Today we visit a bizarre parallel universe where Tom Cruise is president, Lindsay Lohan is showered with gifts and honors and Oscar-winner are expected to be humble.

  • Tom Cruise will play the U.S. president in a movie called the 28th Amendment. It's about how there's a shadow government that only he, a Scientologist space alien, can destroy. [Showbiz
  • OK! finally made Jennifer Aniston say it, probably through sheer persistence/obnoxious questioning: "I am totally over Brad." [OK!]
  • So what if Milk writer Dustin Lance Black wants to carry his Oscar statuette in his backpack and show it off in West Hollywood bars? If I had one I'd buy it a seat every time I flew commercial and not talk to anyone but lil' goldie. [P6]
  • When you're Lindsay Lohan, people just gift you leases on million-dollar apartments for showing up at a few parties. Sorry, correction: When you're Lindsay Lohan and it's like 2006. [P6]
  • Katie Holmes "stole" the cover of Glamour, which was promised to Lindsay Lohan, in Lindsay Lohan's special fantasyland of pure imagination, where the movie star can spin drama from literally anything. [Scoop]