New York City is planning to spend $45 million to "retrain" hapless laid off investment bankers, so they have some useful skill. But retrain them to do what? We have some ideas!

  • Personal trainers—this is already the default second career choice of former Wall Streeters. Why not learn yoga or Olympic lifting from a Lehman Bros. veteran? No good reason.
  • Scores bouncers—bankers can't run up strip club tabs on the expense account any more. This is a good way for them to get their foot "back in the door," get it? Also a good choice for personal trainers!
  • Bottle service waiters—who says overpriced bottle service in awful Manhattan nightspots is dead? Probably people who have not had bottle service sold to them by trained Merrill Lynch investment analysts.
  • Squeegee men and women—the 'gritty' version of New York is making a comeback. Get in on the ground floor of this growth industry now!
  • Fast-talking sellers of dubious 'get rich quick' ideas to financially unsophisticated marks—many bankers are already trained for this lucrative career path!