Jeremy Piven can't make any more curtain calls because he was poisoned with (ahem) "mercury," people are assualting Bernie Madoff's broker now and tender meat reuintes J.Lo and Mark Anthony.

  • Hard-partying Jeremy Piven suddenly quit his Broadway play three months early after flaking on two shows, citing mercury poisoning. David Mamet wasn't buying that excuse: "My understanding is that he is leaving show business to pursue a career as a thermometer." [Variety]
  • Bernie Madoff's recruiter was nearly punched, for showing up at a party. It seems he took commissions on now-worthless investments that were likely fraudulent. Wall Street people, who apparently do not believe payback is fair play, were very offended. [P6]
  • There were rumors that Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez wanted to see other vacant people, because they were bored, so the couple staged a public, romantic dinner involving "feeding each other Wagyu Kobe meatballs." Feeding each other tender balls. Is that a metaphor for something? So subtle, these Hollywood stars.
  • For once, someone was drunkenly falling into Lindsay Lohan, instead of the other way around. [Reuters]
  • Britney Spears has reportedly been wanting to get back together with Kevin Federline, but Federline would rather hook up with this hottie from his bowling team. [Sun]
  • Neal Boulton and his wife made out with the same guy in public (yawn), and Boulton didn't even bother to use a fake name when he called in the "tip" to Page Six. [P6]