Yesterday we pointed out that our nation's current idiot president, George "W" Bush, had made the unlikely move of commuting the cocaine-smuggling sentence of a rapper—a black man, with unruly hair!—because that rapper, John Forte, went to fancy prep school Exeter, and being a prep school cokehead is something Bush can relate to. Friends, we firmly believe in the accuracy of this macroanalysis. But even more amusing is the micro-analysis, because the chain of events that caused the union-busting Republican Mormon Sen. Orrin Hatch to become a fierce advocate of the (allegedly) coke-slinging producer of The Fugees is just what America is all about: Step One: John Forte goes to Exeter, makes friends with Carly Simon's kid, then makes friends with Carly Simon. Step Two: John Forte goes to jail. Step Three: Carly Simon records one of Orrin Hatch's soulful ballads and then is like "Okay now you owe me, old man."
Hatch - who wrote the country ballad "Are You Lonely Here With Me?" which Simon recorded - quickly got on board. In 2005, the senator convinced the Justice Department to move Forté from a Pennsylvania prison to one at Fort Dix, NJ, just 25 minutes from his mom's home in New Brunswick. Hatch also arranged for Forté to have his guitar with him in prison, a perk not afforded many inmates.