Celebrities are a good example for the little people, proving that you don't have to be actually attractive to get laid. Age doesn't matter a bit. Everyone wears scarves or flips their collar up and you have enough money to go on vacation into infinity. It's exactly like real life, but with more vacation. It is our firm belief that celebrity couples are the way a decadent society expresses itself, and in the A-Rod-Madonna era, these five other pairings boggle the mind and tug at the heart:There's a lot of weird pairings going on right now, putting the world in a similar position to when Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated in 1914. (Legend has it John Mayer's to blame for that one.) Celebrity couples were the way Nostradamus made predictions, and they are the basis of whatever the heck Simon Baker does every week on The Mentalist. We've already explained the reason for the A-Rod-Madonna connection, and you can add these five signs to the mix:
Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake Status: Apparently these two are pre-engaged, a marital state that my Dad says doesn't exist. I have the sinking feeling that the Summer Catch starlet and JT have united under the solid premise that they will both look like old lesbians in under six years. Must two people jog that often? Who's Getting the Better of It?: There is deep possibility that Biel looks like Chyna underneath her clothes. JT calls Jessica 'bro' by accident sometimes, later apologizing with flowers and treadmills. JT can do no wrong. How Would You Characterize The Sex?: Timberlake prefers a muscular woman, like Chyna, or Britney. For Biel's part, it's good to know you can have Justin Timberlake's bat and balls in your mouth anytime you want it. I believe Clive Davis paid generously to set up a similar situation with JT. Prognosis: A couple that exercises together, stays together...until something slightly better comes along.
David Cross and Amber Tamblyn Status: There's nothing like a good age gap to get those sexual juices flowing. The former Joan of Arcadia, Tamblyn's 25 and Cross is 44, which is really not that bad if you rate it on the Billy Joel meter. Who's Getting The Better of It?: It depends on whether David is in Mr. Show form or if he sounds anything like he did on his last CD. Since he was probably drinking during the former and sober for the latter, at least we know Tamblyn is safe from his beer rage. How Would You Characterize The Sex?: What's the over-under on the number of Never Nude jokes that are made in that bedroom? They probably just cuddle up in front of Arrested Development reruns and snuggle like most Jewish couples. Prognosis: A Mitch Albom book in the making.
Milo Ventimiglia and Hayden Panettiere Status: Milo broke Rory Gilmore's heart onGilmore Girls and he's been dating the freshly legal Hayden after a few other ladies didn't make the cut. I'd judge him more harshly, but three years in close quarters with Alexis Bledel is tough to top. I'm interested in signing a multi-year contract to be her underpants. Who's Getting the Better of It?: Milo is a lacto-vegetarian, and that's pretty much the only advantage he has on the 19 year-old actress. How Would You Characterize The Sex?: Hayden always promises they'll expand their repertoire, but instead they're so tired from shopping all day Milo just plays Grand Theft Auto with Hayden's younger brother, hoping to get cast as Maebe's love interest in the new Arrested Development movie. Prognosis: Hayden's going to release her own CD later this year, an enterprise which will likely allow her to turf her hanger-on boyfriend and the rest of the cast of Heroes. Never again will she have to reassure Milo that he looks hot on an escalator. In five months, she won't remember Robert Forster's name.
Joe Jonas and Camille Belle Status: This developing young celebrity couple is the newest smash pairing, and comes on the heels of Jonas' phone break-up with squeeze Taylor Swift (right). Who's Getting the Better Of It?: The story behind this one is weird, as Jonas essentially swapped country star Swift for a woman who looks exactly like her, but a brunette. And he did it in a 27 second phone call. The Jonas always wins. How Would You Characterize The Sex?: Non-existent. The brothers have openly stated that their abstinence is "pretty awesome, and the rings are just one of our ways of kind of like being different than everybody else out there." They started wearing the rings because their parents Denise and Kevin Sr. asked them if they wanted to. Prognosis: Is there a red-headed up-and-coming actress or singer that Jonas can switch over to now? It can't be Joss Stone, because she would throw his purity ring in the English Channel.
Tina Fey and Bob Tuna Status: Happily married until Tina starts commanding $15 million a movie, Tina's husband is a composer for SNL, and was born without a name. We call him Bob Tuna because we think it's a mean thing to call someone, like, "Hey Bob Tuna!" or "Bob Tuna! Uncalled for!" You know, if he does something inappropriate. Who's Getting The Better of It?: Just ask Todd Palin. In the photo of the Tuna at left, you can see him just mere seconds before he experienced his first unhappiness from Fey's success. How Would You Characterize The Sex?: Let's just say the appealing scar on the left side of Tina's face plays a prominent role. Prognosis: Tina must take Bob Tuna to Mordor.