Lindsay Lohan was supposed to go to Vienna so she could accompany creepy billionaire Richard Lugner to the Vienna Opera Ball. (He brings a different celeb or model to the event every year and pays them $150,000 for the pleasure.) Sadly, Lindsay missed her chance to collect the much-needed cash. She ran up a $22K bill at the airport duty free shop and couldn't pay the bill, and the ensuing drama forced her to miss the flight. So she didn't get Lugner's check, she has $22K in stuff she doesn't need, and her house is even more cluttered. That worked out well! [DM, P6]
• The reason Alec Baldwin was rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night yesterday? Apparently he got into a fight with his 14-year-old daughter, Ireland, over the phone and threatened to "take some pills," then she called 911 and an ambulance showed up, and Alec was like, "Ugh, fine I'll go to the hospital," and he spent about an hour in the ER before doctors sent him home. His rep says it was "all a misunderstanding," and it's possible that his ex-wife, Kim Basinger, actually prompted Ireland to call 911 in an effort to embarrass him. But Alec didn't make the situation any better when he returned home on Thursday night and "assaulted" a Post photographer who was waiting for him outside his apartment building. [Fox411, NYP, Daily News, Us]
John Mayer broke down on stage in Nashville on Wednesday, thanked his band for standing by him, and vowed to "quit the media game." Finally! [Us]
• Bill Clinton was hospitalized yesterday after complaining of chest pains. Doctors inserted two stents into a blocked artery and the ex-president is now at home in Chappaqua and "in good spirits." [People]

Rachael Ray's pit bull, Isaboo, is a vicious little thing. She bit the ear off another dog in the the Village on Feb. 1 while out with a dog-walker. [NYP]
• In court papers, Dennis Hopper's doctor said that "the less Mr. Hopper has to do with his estranged wife [Victoria Duffy] at this time, the more likely he is to have his life extended" as he undergoes treatment for prostate cancer. Yesterday, a judge granted a restraining order against Duffy which bars her from coming within 10 feet of him. But she may not be too broken up about that: She may already have a new boyfriend. [NYP, TMZ, P6]
Quentin Tarantino almost damaged a $1 million painting belonging to an art dealer Nathan Bernstein when he "casually leaned" on the piece of art while chatting with Harvey Weinstein. Luckily, Tarantino didn't and disaster was averted. [P6]
• The administrator for Frances Bean Cobain's trust is seeking to inspect Courtney Love's financial records to see if Love has misappropriated any money that was supposed to go to her daughter. Meanwhile, in an interview with Spin, Love gave her take on things ("I married a guy, he killed himself, I inherited everything") and ranted about Kurt Cobain's mother and sister, who recently took custory of Frances. "I'm through supporting their asses," she said. [TMZ, P6]
• It looks like Michael Douglas' son, Cameron, may get off a little easier when he's eventually sentenced by a judge on drug traffiking charges. He's an informant (or "rat" in Post parlance), although Douglas had been hoping to keep that fact secret. [NYP]
• Outgoing American Idol judge Simon Cowell is now dating one of the show's makeup artists, Mezhgan Hussainy, in case you care. [NYDN]
• Further evidence that John and Elizabeth Edwards will go down as the sketchiest political couple in recent memory: John devised a way to give secret signs to his aide Andrew Young when his wife Elizabeth tried to secretly listen in on their phone calls. As for Rielle Hunter, she would get so upset whenever Edwards spoke about his love and devotion to his wife in interviews that she threatened to expose the affair on several occasions. [NYP]
• Her efforts to branch out into fashion haven't worked out too well for Lauren Conrad, but her second book, Sweet Little Lies, has topped the New York Times Best Seller List, just as her first book did. Hopefully she'll take a minute today to thank whoever it was that actually wrote the thing. [People]
• In a new interview to promote her Playboy cover, Kelly Bensimon confessed that she's "incredibly insecure" and "really shy," which are totally the personality traits that typically lead people to pose naked. She also said," I want to be someone's Robin. I need a Batman." Uh, ok. [People]
Jon Gosselin's classy ex, Hailey Glassman, appeared on a questionably-styled cover of Steppin' Out magazine (think Jane from Tarzan meets the Hells Angels). In her interview with the Jersey-based rag, she says that Jon has a "three-inch" penis and she'd remind him of this fact "all the time" and she never expected he'd cheat on her given he was so small. Clearly, her abusive girlfriend strategy didn't exactly work out as planned. [Us]
• In her first gig as an Extra nightlife reporter, Rachel Uchitel salsa danced with The Bachelor's Jake Pavelka. TV at its finest, clearly. [Us]
Amy Winehouse has given up her 11 cats because "they were climbing all over the place, breeding, and generally getting out of control." Which is usually what happens when you have 11 cats and you're drunk/drugged up most of the time and you can't take care of them. [ShowbizSpy]
Evander Holyfield's wife, Candi, got a temporary restraining order against her husband after claiming he beat her up because she'd complained it was too cold in their Georgia mansion. She also says he hit her because she hadn't given enough money to the couple's church. Now that doesn't sound very Christian, does it? [NYP, NYDN]
• While Christian Bale was filming Terminator: Salvation in 2008, he rented a New Mexico home that—unbeknownst to him—had the dead body of a missing person buried in the yard. Creepy. [TMZ]