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• Did you hear the story that made the rounds yesterday about how Tiger Woods' wife Elin whacked the golf champ in the face with a 9-iron after she discovered text messages from Rachel Uchitel, and the injuries he sustained in the aftermath (a fractured cheekbone, two cracked teeth) forced him to fly to Phoenix to have reconstructive surgery and explains why he's been out of public sight all this time? It probably isn't true, unfortunately, but it sure is an entertaining tale, isn't it? Also not true: The dubious reports that Tiger Woods has gone to rehab or is now shacking up with Rachel Uchitel, the later of which you can credit Uchitel herself with spreading as she desperately tries to cling to the spotlight. [DM, P6]
• Joe Halderman, the man accused of extorting David Letterman, has come up with a new—and very creative—defense. In a new court filing, his lawyer argues that if it isn't a crime for Tiger Woods' mistresses to seek payouts to keep their mouths shut, Halderman's attempt to get the TV host to pay him to stay silent about Letterman's flings shouldn't be a crime either. [NYDN]
• In addition to all the other horrible stuff he's accused of, Michael Lohan's ex-fiancée Erin Muller says he once beat her with a stilletto heel and "put a lit cigarette out on her scalp," too. Lohan's lawyer claims Muller is making it all up. And Michael himself has taken to Twitter to accuse Muller of drug abuse and incest. Because he's classy like that. [P6, TMZ, Twitter]
Susan Sarandon was spotted sharing crepes with a younger guy at 2am in the Village the other night, but it wasn't Jonathan Bricklin, her ping-pong club business partner and supposed man-friend, alas. [NYDN]

• Charlie Sheen's wife, Brooke Mueller, appears to have recovered from her domestic violence-filled Christmas Day: She was spotted clubbing in Aspen on Monday night. As for whether the couple will stay together, a source tells People that they "still love each other," but "divorce is definitely a possibility." So, basically, no one really knows anything. [P6, People]
• Sheen and Mueller's future together may be uncertain, but one thing they do share is experience sitting in the back of police cruisers. Mueller's criminal record includes arrests for DUI and cocaine possession. [Radar]
• In case you're wondering why your 16-year-old cousin is crying today, it's because Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner have split up. But they plan to "stay friends," which is nice to hear. [Us]
Tyra Banks announced she was ending her talk show a couple of days ago, and now some of her employees have come out to say she's a "brutal" boss and a "diva." (Hard to imagine, right?) Also, it seems she revealed the news about her show ending to the public before first informing some members of her own staff, which isn't too nice. [NYDN]
• Paris Hilton supposedly believed in Santa Claus until she was 16, and she snuggles with her micro-pig in bed. That Doug Reinhardt is one lucky guy, huh? [DM]
• The orphanage where Madonna picked up her latest human accessory says that it's having trouble raising money from donors because everyone things Madonna gave the place a fortune, which she apparently didn't. [Mirror]
• In celebrity vacation news, Russell Brand and Katy Perry are spending the week hanging at the Taj Majal. As for Kate Moss, she had such a good time partying on Christmas that she missed her flight to Thailand the following day and reportedly had to eat the $32,000 cost of changing travel plans for her and several friends. [DM, 3am]
• Mark Wahlberg is pissed that David and Victoria Beckham moved into his neighborhood because they brought the paparazzi with them. "I'm not telling Beckham to take his family home," Wahlberg said. "I'm just not sure why he came to America in the first place." [NYDN]
• Ryan Seacrest was feeling the holiday spirit the other night at John Legend's birthday party. He sent $1,000 bottles of champagne to both Legend and Ludacris, and then he left a $5,000 tip. [P6]
• Speaking of holiday festiveness, Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich has quite the New Year's party planned for a few hundred of his closet celebrity/mogul friends in St. Barths. [Times UK]
• Hailey Glassman and Jon Gosselin are back in the news today, but since we can't be bothered to figure out what exactly they're accusing each other of now, you'll have to sort it out for yourself. [P6]
• Not only did Kevin Jonas have his wedding at a Long Island "castle," he also gave his new bride a pair of glass slippers. Classy. [People]
• What's next for Snooki of Jersey Shore? She'd like her own dating show, which sounds like a fab idea, no? [OK!]
• Is a duet in the cards for Lady Gaga and Susan Boyle? Gaga says she loves Susan and she's her "woman of the year," so it's possible! [Sun]
• Brittany Murphy's death certificate was filed yesterday, and the cause of death was listed as "deferred" until toxicology tests are released. [TMZ]
• "Being a good boy never worked for me," Jude Law tells Parade. Perhaps you've noticed? [Parade]