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• Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods' alleged mistress, is calling the allegations that she had an affair with the golfer "dumb," "stupid," and "ridiculous," and says "it's like asking me to comment if there are aliens on earth." Worst of all, she's bummed that as a result of this whole saga some "nice, normal guy" that she might eventually settle down with is "going to have a tainted view" of her. Meanwhile, friends and former colleagues of Uchitel say the party-promoting, celebrity-wrangling widow and divorcée has been obsessed with getting close to celebrities for years, is a "drama queen" and "fire-starter," and has had numerous run-ins with her employers in the past. [NYP, NYDN]
• What's Tiger up to? He bailed out of a golf tournament in California later this week and still hasn't come out of his house. [Us, NYP]
Troubled Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson was arrested yesterday for stealing jewelry, clothing, shoes, and even underwear from a model pal. The really disturbing part: Johnson allegedly left a wet towel and "used vibrator" at the scene of the crime as her "calling card." [NYP, TMZ]
• Tareq and Michaele Salahi, "the most infamous party crashers in the world," appeared on the Today show this morning to tell Matt Lauer they did nothing wrong. The couple claim some mystery evidence—to be released at a later date— will prove they were invited to last week's state dinner. [MSNBC]

• Actor and devout Buddhist Richard Gere has pissed off a bunch of his neighbors in Westchester by viciously murdering 200 trees on his property to create a "paddock" for his horses. And now he's facing a $50,000 fine since he chopped them down without a permit. [P6]
• Even though Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon's reps claim they haven't broken up, Gyllenhaal's assistant reportedly moved two bags of belongings out of Witherspoon's house on Sunday night. Uh oh! [X17]
• According to David Hasselhoff, he did not have a seizure last weekend nor was he admitted to a psychiatric ward, thank you very much. [TMZ]
• Brace yourself for this one. It seems Lindsay Lohan went out the other night and didn't have a single thing to drink! [P6]
• Jennifer Aniston isn't just hosting a party for her yoga instructor's new DVD. She's so obsessed with his routine that she filmed the intro to the video, too. Maybe it's time for Jen to find a few more interests? Just saying. [P6]
• The woman who sued Elisabeth Hasselbeck over her diet book (and whose case was tossed out by a judge) is suing her again. [TMZ]
• In case you're concerned about Britney Spears' love life, she is still dating Jason Trawick, yes. But, no, she never proposed to him. [People]
• Before you get all worried that Suri Cruise is going to damage her little feet by wearing heels, Katie Holmes wants you to know something: "They are actually ballroom dancing shoes for kids. I found them for her and she loves them." Please keep that in mind. [Access Hollywood]
• Speaking of Holmes, she could use a hair brush, too, apparently. [NYDN]
• Pete Doherty is really, really sorry if anyone happened to be offended when he decided to sing the Nazi national anthem at a German music festival the other night. [Skynews]
• Not psyched that Russell Simmons has shared the fact he gives her $40,000 in child support each month, Kimora Lee Simmons says her ex "has such a big mouth" and she'd like to "thump him in the side of his head." [P6]
• The things the Victoria's Secret models must endure for beauty! Model Selita Ebanks said she had "more than 20 layers of makeup" on her butt and she risked being stabbed by a 30-pound lighting bolt strapped across her abdomen at the fashion show a couple of weeks ago. [NYDN]
• Ashlee Simpson (or Ashlee Simpson-Wentz if you prefer) made her Broadway debut in Chicago last night. Luckily for Ashlee, her character, Roxie Hart, doesn't get killed off in the play (as her character did on Melrose Place), so here's hoping she makes it through the entire two-month run. [Radar]
• Katy Perry's super-religious parents have met her boyfriend Russell Brand. Their thoughts? "They are basically looking for God and they are seeking the truth—and they are going to find it," said her dad, Keith Hudson. Whatever gets you through the day, buddy. [The Sun]
• The Chelsea club Pink Elephant is now just called "Pink." [NYDN]
• It's been a year and half since Rihanna has spoken to her dad, which the singer says is because he once joined her on tour, got totally wasted, and "acted a mess." [Mirror]
• Roman Polanski still isn't free. He remains under house arrest at a luxury chalet in Gstaad since he still hasn't coughed up $4.5 million in bail. [AP]
• The divorce between Shaquille O'Neal and his soon-to-be-ex-wife Shaunie Nelson is heating up. She moved to LA and filed divorce papers in California since she'd potentially get more in alimony. Now Shaq's lawyers are asking that the proceedings be moved back to the state of Florida, where they lived together. [TMZ]
• Chris Judd, Jennifer Lopez's ex-husband (the ex that's not threatening to release a sex tape of her) has gotten remarried. Exciting news, huh? [Us]
Kelly Cutrone of The City (and the star of her own upcoming reality show) dropped the F-bomb on live TV yesterday. Naughty! [The Frisky, Gawker]
• Simon Cowell gets Botox and waxes his hands, in case you care. [NYDN]
• Anthony and Charlene Marshall went out to dinner at Luke's on Third Avenue and had to be "isolated at a table by the wall" because no one wanted to be dining in their vicinity. Sad. [P6]