The Gossip girls are off to college! Well, for the weekend at least. Yes, last night's episode of the one and only New York City teen soap bitchery carnival brought the floppy youngsters to storied Yale University, a role poorly played by Columbia. And what did they find in this little Amazon excerpt preview of the next chapter of their lives? Serena and Blair found their inner Alexis and Krystles, Chace found a lady to make out with, Chuck found some new boy friends who like it rough, and ol' Gabbo there Dan Humphrey found that he wasn't always comfortable with his choice of underpants. Take the full campus tour after the jump. Twas young Blair's dream to attend Yale, because it is the most prestigious and be-named-after-a-lock-company'd of all the Ivies (well, not all. Blair contends that there are only three: Harvard, Yale, and Princeton. I hate the Ivy system so I don't really know or care. I do know that Cornell totes doesn't count though.) She had her whole plan in order to nail the interview then to get invited to the dean's secret teenage fuckfest sex party cocktail reception, during which he'd ask the students to take the ball gag gently in their mouths and think warm thoughts name who they'd most want to have dinner with, dead or alive. Blair picked George Sand, a fuckin' French feminazi who used to bone that fruit Chopin. Typical uptown elite choice. But Sand was the foppish dean's favorite author, so it was, in fact, perfect. Everything was going according to plan! Until... Until the wicked Serena, reeling from a Blair attack in which she (rightly, sorry Dad) called S's first choice school Brown a filthy haven for even filthier rich wannabe hippies who don't want grades (srsly, they don't give out grades.) Serena naturally flipped on the competitive switch and decided to haul ass up to New Haven instead. She nailed her interview, making Blair feel sad and insecure, causing her to bomb her own tête-à-tête with Dean Sexdungeon. Oohhh that rascally Serena! To add insult to (impending) injury, Serena got a little tip from Chuckles about the George Sand thing, and stole that answer. At the the little ultra-selective potential students party (to which Blair weaseled her way an invitation, using ceramic kitty kats as bribery), the wax was slowly dripped on the students' tight, tawny flesh Ultimate Dinner Choice names were read, and wouldn't you know it? Blair pulled a fast one on Serena, switching out Sand for that dude what Serena done moidered. Or left for dead or whatever. So they raced out to the porch, yelled a lot, then actually fought. Like physically. That "sproingggg" you heard at about 8:40 PM EST last night was the sound of a thousand 14-year-old boys becoming men. Meanwhile! Chuck and Nate lay on the grass, two young demigods, languid in their Waughness and comfortable in the delicate yet sure way in which they planned to take over the world. Rich boys on holiday! Chuck was waiting for the Skull & Bones society (which is maybe just nerds) to whisk him away into the shadowy depths of lifelong entitlement, while Nate was unconvincingly cruising... for chicks. He found one! But before he could work his buttery way into her pantaloons, she participated in a little Nate Archibald bashing. You see, the Captain had ruined a bunch of people's trust funds, so they were totes hoping to snow Nate once he got to campus. Simple solution, Nate pretended to be Dan, leading to some dormroom nookie. Though, Gabbo was busy being shot the eff down by Dean Putyourhandsoveryourhead,doit!, and told to get another recommendation. So for some reason he sought out the same exact pixie haired dink that Nate was sucking mug with. Hilarity and mistaken identity ensues! And it doesn't stop thereeee. Chuck was abducted by his new intensely homosexual lovers Skull & Bones friends. He was made to take a party test, which Chuck passed with flying colors by bringing some non-English-speaking hookers to the creepy lair in which the the cult members live, like common vampires. Well done, Bass. But there's one more tasssss...k. Bring us the throbbing, purple head of Nate Archibald! Ruh roh, Changes for Chuckles. What to do? Well, tell Gary, Lance, Gideon and the rest of the fellas that Dan is Nate. So they abducted Gabbo, tying him to a column in his underwear, eventually getting worked over pretty hard by Dean You'regettingitalloveryourface,ladyboy rescued by Nate. Penn Badgley doing comedy and embarrassment is epically squirmy to watch, I must say. Anyway, the two boys became the best of friends and Nate got mad at Chuck for what he'd done to Dan who, as it turns out, is "pretty cool." Sweet! Let's go to the arcade, my mom can pick us up afterward! Do you like pizza? Like an embittered, scorned husband, Chuck said tersely and desperately to Nate "let's talk about this in the car," which made me laugh very very loud. So yeah. At least Chuck got some satisfaction (heh) with the S&B boys in the end, by saying "fuck off, Yale" and showing the lads the incriminating hooker photos taken by lipstick cameras. "I own you now," he said as he sauntered off. "Daaammnnn," said the S&B boys as they hated to see him go but loved to watch him leave, like in Martin except they didn't say "Gina," they said "Chuck." Blair and Serena decided to make up (not make out, sorry boys!), though Blair totes had her pinned with that chicken wing and would have won the fight. In the end, Serena got the call and not Blair, though they only wanted S for her increasing Page Six status. Right, because Yale has a PR problem. Feh. So everyone left Yale, while the Dean went to let the Laotian boy out of the crawlspace to teach him his "lessons" penned some acceptance letters and went home. Back in Nueva, Jennifer was trying to convince Pa Humphrey that a fashion career was the way to go, instead of traditional schooling. She brought him along for a day at the atelier, but he was not convinced. Until they went to Bass Manor and—sproingggg!—he ran into Lily slinking around the apartment in Serena's little black dress. She told him that he should let his daughter pursue her dreams of fashions, like he pursued his dream of muziks. Frankly terrible advice, in my estimation. Oh! And it was funny because she was like Oh yeah, I'm totes Kevin McAllister tonight. S and Chuckles are at Yale, and "Erik has a new friend, I'm told," which means he was probably sexing with a dude right at that moment. Hah! What a meager plot bone to throw at Erik fans. So that's the way I seen it. Dorota being proud of Blair in the beginning was weird and wistful, as was the fact that Chace Crawford continues to insist that he's more than a devastatingly handsome face. I loved the porch fight and continue to firmly attest that this show sings only as comedy. As drama it's usually muddled and mawkish, but o' Josh Schwartz! As comedy! Such beauty. The My Fair Lady dream sequence opening? No words. Simply none. What'd you like?